The Battle

Tonight I sit in a quiet living room, as the clock nears the 12am hour I'm reflecting on the last few weeks of life.  I feel as if I am a soldier in battle and for just a few moments all is calm.  I can take a little bit of time to assess the damage, check my wounds and gear up for what I know might be another round of full out war.  Is that too dramatic?  Perhaps.  But it sums up exactly how I feel.  I am tired and wounded and at this moment I feel the need to beg God for strength to go another round.  The battle I am in is for my children, specifically one, and I wonder if I will have what it takes to be strong and win the next round.

It's nights like these that I feel totally inadequate in the role I must play as a parent of a teenager.  For the life that grew inside of me now towers over me and has thoughts and opinions of his own and the ability to make his own choices.  And these days those choices are in complete disregard to the guidelines that have been set my his dad and myself.  Rebellion has reared its ugly head and the battle lines have been drawn.

These last weeks have seen some ugly verbal exchanges, defiant body language, tears, deep conversation, confession, heartbreak, punishment, and accountability.  As a parent we want the absolute best for our kids and there is nothing worse then when they make a decision that takes that away.  The next hardest thing is allowing them to face the consequences for their behavior.  I remind myself to stand strong, to love fiercely, to let my precious child know that nothing will ever stop me from loving them, to show them that the bonds of trust can be rebuilt, to pray hard.

Through all of this the Lord has reminded me of just how great His love is.  Last night I was sitting in the car in the driveway just talking to Jesus when He spoke to my spirit.  It was in that moment that I understood a little better what it truly meant that Jesus died for me.  That God sent is ONLY Son, to die for ME!  And to know that the God of the universe holds the answers and solution to my every need, and the He is just a whisper away, brought such peace in the midst of chaos.

I don't know what the future holds for my child, but I know who holds his future. And I long as I have breath in  me I will plead with the Lord to guide him.

Lord, You know how my heart breaks for my child.  Please give me the words and the wisdom to help them find their way back to your plan.  Help me to forgive the offenses and let trust be rebuilt.  Amen