These past months have been difficult. The next hard thing kept slamming up against the last hard thing until I felt crushed by the weight of the pain, frustration, concern, and heartache becoming all too familiar in this broken world. The tears flowed and my head ached from bouts of sobbing and lack of sleep. I was beginning to lose track of the days as my heart was struggling to understand the sheer depth of grief assailing our family. I was torn between two family situations, each unique but both evoking emotion. One extreme frustration and concern with a total lack of kindness or consideration and the other loss and heartache where trusting in God’s goodness is the only response.
On top of that Brad and our oldest we were dealing with health concerns. Where our daughter was concerned, I was overwhelmed and completely aware that there was nothing I could do to help her but pray. We needed answers and we needed them fast. But we needed the right answers. We needed God to lead us to the right place, the right doctors, and I felt completely overwhelmed and exhausted with everything else that was going on, that I was beginning to think I was of no use to anyone.
I was running on empty, knowing I needed rest but still pushing on, trying to be strong for the ones around me who depend on my strength. I was in the car worshiping trying not to think about life at that moment. Just desiring to draw closer to God. I was on my way to a follow up mammogram appointment, a couple of weeks earlier they
saw something they didn’t like and I was to repeat all the testing. Driving there I was trying not to think about test results or anything else for that matter. I started to ask God if we could make a deal. I needed to be ok. My family and friends need me to be ok. I told him I thought I had been through enough last year that these tests results needed to be clear. Four hours later I was on the phone with Brad telling him that the results we not good and I was being scheduled for a biopsy.
I drove home completely stunned. This can’t be happening I thought. When I left the office I was calm as I said to the doctor, “no use worrying about what we don’t know for sure.” Even Brad agreed we didn’t need to borrow trouble and said we’d wait for the biopsy results before we started worrying. But the truth was pressing in on me. I laughed at the thought I could bargain with God. Can’t blame me for trying, the truth is I should just trust him. We’ve come through a lot together and each time he reveals another piece of himself. He is the God who knows.
The biopsy was scheduled for when we returned from our family vacation. It meant a waiting period where we still decided to share with a very small group of people, asking for prayer, but not giving specifics. I would need two days to recover, and hopefully we would have results within five days.
As I entered the office on the day of the biopsy I was calm. I had worshipped all the way to my appointment and the Lord had given me peace. I was called back and presented with the awkward pink top with ties that don’t really make any sense when attempting to keep the “girls” covered while waiting in yet another waiting room with more women wearing the pink top.
On this occasion I was able to bypass the second wait and I was escorted into the procedure room by a sweet nurse with kind eyes. The procedure was explained once more, more forms were signed and then I found myself laying on the table with an image of my breast on the screen in front on me. And plain as day, I could again see that area that was causing so much disturbance and concern in my life.
The doctor joined us and things moved quickly. I was numbed, they extracted the sample, the kind nurse held my hand of the arm resting over my head. I will never forget the noise of the machine. The noisy equipment taking a piece of my body. Yet, still I remained calm.
After the biopsy was complete I was shown to another room to have new pictures taken of the titanium marker they had inserted to mark the biopsy area. I laughed when I was asked by the technician if I wanted to see the bling. Then I dressed and with ice pack and instructions to rest I headed home.
Passing Trader Joe’s on the way home, I ran in to quickly buy up every variety of flower to lighten things around the house. And then home and to bed.
That week seemed to take forever and I was so disappointed when Friday arrived and I was told results wouldn’t be available until Monday. As a distraction I worked with Brad all weekend to pressure wash everything at the house. It helped to pass the time.
On Monday I made the call, I had seen that results were in but that they were not scheduled to post on the portal. After a short wait the doctor came on the phone. Brad held my hand so tightly as I listened to her explain that although the results came back benign she did not agree. She gave me all the technical info ending with, “based on what I’m seeing this result is concerning, I was not expecting it to come back benign and I’m not comfortable letting you walk away without further testing.”
I had a mix of emotions. Really we still knew nothing. And I was scheduled for a second biopsy.
When I arrived for the appointment, I was greeted by a new team and taken back to a room with different equipment. They do their best to keep things lighthearted, and I was appreciative. I wasn’t nervous per se, just ready to have this whole thing over with. I wanted that final answer that one that said this is what it is or it isn’t. Images were needed before the procedure could begin, and of course, apologies were made by how much it was going to hurt. I looked at the woman who was adjusting me trying to get my body perfectly spread out for the best pictures and said to her “you do whatever it takes, no matter how much it’s going to hurt, to get what you need, so this can all be over with.” She deemed me her favorite patient and proceeded to crush me in the mammogram machine. After a while, she declared we were done, and I took my seat while they went to show the images to the radiologist before she came in to do the biopsy. As I sat in the room alone, I was prepared for whatever it was. I cannot tell you how relieved I was to have them come back in a room and to say “we’ve decided not to perform the biopsy.” I had two radiologist looking over the scans, and they had decided that these last images had adequately spread out the tissue so that everyone was now in agreement, yes there’s something we must be keeping an eye on, but right now it is not cancer.
I was so relieved and so grateful. I had known in my heart the entire time that whatever it was, God would hold me through it. But to hear these words were a complete blessing.
I’ve learned a lot about trust over these last years, and God really put that trust to the test over the last weeks. I’m so grateful for the calm that he allows me to feel in the midst of chaos. I’m so grateful that all these little challenges help me to draw near to him and recognize the beauty and joy of knowing him in this broken world.
I drove home that day with a grateful heart (and more flowers) trusting Him is the only thing I know to do and therefore it will be what I continue to do day after day no matter what.
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