Christmas Eve Burdens

My heart is full tonight.  It’s 1:11am, all is quiet in my house.  Kids are in bed, Brad is asleep, all the presents have been putt out and I am reflecting on this day before I go to sleep.  The true question is will I sleep tonight? My heart is heavy with the emotions of the evening.  Family.  The holidays truly bring out the worst in us.  Not that we intend it to be, but it just happens to creep in when we least expect it.  Perhaps you are like me and you do expect it and it causes such great sadness to see it play out.  Just to be clear all is well on my homefront.  We had an emotional end to this Christmas Eve, but hopefully the events of the day and the beautiful candlelight service will be what is remembered years from now,

We have been sadly watching my husbands parents marriage slip away.  One is willing to fight for them, one is not.  The emotions and bitterness are decades old and no good ever comes from rehashing old wounds with no hope of reconciliation.  These last weeks have been snowballing and tonight we made an attempt at normalcy, with a cookie and sparkling grape juice visit to their home.  Within minutes all hell broke loose and tonight for the first time  my children were there. One son in particular was singled out and slander was spoken against him. I am sad to say I let him storm out of the house and my heart broke. I quickly sent my other children back to the car. The events that followed will not be shared but I will say this, bitterness hurts the one who holds it most, and results in lost relationships.

When we arrived back home I sat very still on the couch holding a sleeping baby.  Brad came and asked what I was thinking about although he knew the answer was what had unfolded at his parents.  We sat in silence for a while before I said only God could fix this, it’s too big for anyone else.  Brad said maybe it’s even too big for God.  We talked for a while before starting our Christmas Eve rituals with heavy hearts.

Now as I sit quietly I know in my heart God can fix anything, but Brad’s point was more that we have to want His healing.  The bitterness his parent has held on to is now controlling them, almost to the point of no return and the situation seems hopeless.  It makes me all too aware that I too have a tendency to hold on to things that are out of my control and best left in the past. I know when I let these things take over my thoughts I become hurt, angry, and I start to withdraw from those I hold dear or lash out at anything that breathes.

Tonight was horrible to witness, but it has allowed me to commit to not letting myself hold on to resentment or hurt.  We all hurt, mine is no different from yours and at times it feels crushing, but I will not be defined by that hurt.
The Christmas story is thirty-three years long.  It was so much more then a promised Messiah born in Bethlehem.  It was a Savior who cane to die for the sins of the world.  He came to so thourouly make new those who asked that we are no longer slaves to the pain of the world.  Yes we will still ache as long as we have breath, but our hope comes in knowing He is with us and has prepared a forever home for us where once and for all, all pain and suffering will disappear.  How great is our God!!!!!  This year will be marked with a defing moment in time where I alllwed Him to have it all.  The hurt, the disappointment, the sadness, and loss.  I will rejoice that He is enough and in Him my Soul is satiafied.


There is nothing too big for this God. Cast all your cares upon Him, for He cares for you.