I’m angry about today’s topic. I probably should not write what I’m about to write, but I’m angry, and sickened, heartbroken and sad all at the same time. And the only thing I can think to do is write to vent. So please bear with me. If you think I’ve gone completely nuts don’t hate me, just realize that today I’ve had enough.
Divorce for me is a 4 letter word. I entered into marriage with a man from a broken family and he swore to me divorce was not an option. I wholeheartedly agreed and I was relieved to know we were on the same page. I had come from the complete opposite. My parents have the kind of loving relationship where it’s almost too good to be true, where the two become one, while at the same time they can drive each other crazy nuts and then moments later be kissing in the kitchen. Theirs was the stuff good marriages are made of and what I so desperately wanted for my marriage. My parents let us see them fight and make up, they laughed together, pushed each other’s buttons and raised us to know that divorce wasn’t even on the radar.
At the beginning of my marriage, my mom would say, “the first ten years are the hardest.” It takes work to make it ten years. In those years for us......We bought and renovated a house, had 4 kiddos and one on the way, sold our home and bought another to renovate, we were homeschooling, Brad worked from home, I was such a busy mom, leading worship in our church, he was struggling with his faith, I was desperately trying to hold our family together, we were full speed ahead and all I could think was “just make it to 10 years.” Our tenth anniversary was spent with a canceled dream trip to Italy and me on bed rest with pregnancy complications. We made it through and welcomed a baby boy into the family that summer. And then we were off again, life at full speed, smiles in place, but at the same time acutely aware we were falling apart. I often wondered what had happened to the magic of making it to ten years. All around us our friends’ and acquaintances’ marriages were ending. And although for us divorce was still not an option neither was living this miserable existence. There were things we were both at fault for, things we had done or not done to contribute to the state we found our marriage to be.
I remember the day I said the “d” word out loud. I had hit rock bottom. I was exhausted from walking on eggshells, never knowing what might upset the picture of perfect I worked so hard to portray. I knew things had to change. I sought counseling alone because, coming from a broken home where counseling was used in a manipulative way, and therefore didn’t work, he was not open to going. Neither one of us really knew what the problems were, we just knew they were there.
On one particular afternoon I remember begging with Brad to talk to someone with me and figure this all out. To my surprise he suggested something so off the wall, even to this day I can’t wrap my head around it. We were each to invite friends (whomever we chose) over to the house for a time of revelation. We were going to sit in our living room and air our dirty laundry to the very people we had so desperately tried to dupe for over ten years of marriage. (Please note here, we had more happy memories and good times in our marriage up to this point than bad, there wasn’t infidelity, or lies, no double lives were being lived, we were 24/7 in each other’s business, and for the most part we were happy. But there was a worm slowly eating away at that happiness and he didn’t have a name.) I do not want in anyway to overlook the fact that some marriages go through real problems, with real names, and blame that is easy to identify. But this was not true for us. Marriage.com states: While no two marriages are the same, research shows that all happy, long-lasting marriages share the same five basic traits: communication, commitment, kindness, acceptance, and love. The night our friends, quite the eclectic bunch, with some married for 40 and 50 years, some divorced, some at the same stage as us, some who had seen great trial and heartache, sat stone silent as we shared our truth. Even now as I type these words my eyes are filled with tears and I’m overwhelmed with emotion to think back on that night. It was such a bizarre way to handle our marriage troubles. (I’m so aware of all the detail I’m leaving out, but the full story is for another time.) But that night something remarkable happened and not just in our relationship but in the lives of the faces staring back us. A few friends chose to speak and I remember feeling so grateful for the love and support they showed. It was the most freeing thing to lay it all out there in front of those who knew us best. Some were shocked, many left and later told us, that night sparked a desire to speak more openly with their spouse. Some admired our guts to be so open in the midst of a changing world that was demanding perfection on all levels of life. But for me it was the freedom to not be perfect. the realization that what we had was worth fighting for at all cost.
We recorded our portion of the night and when we went to bed that night we didn’t really speak about what had unfolded. Still to this day 21 years of marriage later, we have not watched the tape, for many reasons.
We recorded our portion of the night and when we went to bed that night we didn’t really speak about what had unfolded. Still to this day 21 years of marriage later, we have not watched the tape, for many reasons.
The events that followed that night forever changed us as a married couple. We watched two sets of friends lose young children in tragic deaths, then Brad’s dad died, after a private battle with cancer at a time he and Brad were just getting to know each other. I never really thought about the fact that we didn’t do much to fix our trouble, we just renewed our commitment, to always be honest, open, fight fairly and love fiercely. We committed to always walking side by side through this minefield of marriage. Funny thing is our circumstances didn’t change much. But in light of the tragic and sadness we saw around us, we found ways to hold each other up and walk through each new day. It’s here where I adopted the mantra, each day is a brand new start.
Why say all this today? I guess because marriage is the hardest thing you’ll ever do. Trust me, I’m raising seven kids, they are a part of me and I am naturally compelled to love them, each day I am faced with things I need to deal with, and I do it because my DNA flows through them and I am responsible for them, but nothing compares to this marriage relationship of CHOICE. The one you are married to deserves all the fight you have, no matter what, but especially if kids are involved. Be on guard for the things that will tear you apart, be ready to fight for the integrity of marriage. Marriage is a two way street with both parties doing their part. Our pastor in the church we were married in used to say, “marriage isn’t 50/50, it’s 100/100 and sometimes it’s 50/150 because there are times you pick up the slack for your partner.” "Partner", I love that. That’s what we are partners, with all the benefits built in. Best friends, great lovers, best secret keepers, someone to be silly with, someone to vent to. These are things worth fighting for.
I am heart broken these days for the broken marriages around me. I'm angry at the ones seeking council and are being told by “well meaning” people to give up. I’m angry selfish couples are destroying young children’s lives. I want to scream sometimes when I hear “it shouldn’t be this hard and I’m giving up.” “It’s not my fault” or “I’ve put up with this long enough.” I’m not an expert by any means, but I do believe most issues start small and if left unattended grow into monsters that are destroying marriages. I believe that all marriages can be saved. In the case of infidelity or physical /mental abuse I think we must allow exceptions if there are no options. But in these cases as well I have witnessed a forgiveness that I can not comprehend, and seen marriages restored. Mostly I believe that the strongest of marriages combat the issues before they get out of hand. If communication breaks down, find ways to talk to each other. If the romance has faded and sex is non-existent make time to find that spark again. Fight for each other. There is no magic year you get to where it’s beauty and bliss. Each day requires work, maybe not hard work but work nonetheless. And when you choose to put in the work you reap the benefits a marriage well lived.
