Advent - Kings

 After Jesus was born in Bethlehem in Judea, during the time of King Herod, Magi from the east came to Jerusalem and asked, “Where is the one who has been born king of the Jews? We saw his star when it rose and have come to worship him.”

When King Herod heard this he was disturbed, and all Jerusalem with him. When he had called together all the people’s chief priests and teachers of the law, he asked them where the Messiah was to be born. “In Bethlehem in Judea,” they replied, “for this is what the prophet has written:

 “‘But you, Bethlehem, in the land of Judah,
    are by no means least among the rulers of Judah;
for out of you will come a ruler
    who will shepherd my people Israel.” Matthew 2:1-12

 

 

I remember my mom saying she never wanted her kids to be too smart or too stupid, just average, average fits in better.  Or something like that.  I laugh at it now and wish maybe I could have been just a bit smarter.  Like those Kings who liked to look at stars, a great philosopher, or our founding fathers. There is a strange thing that happens when we study, we can get smart and gain wisdom, in that wisdom our faith grows, our knowledge grows, our relationship with God deepens.  But, also in learning, there is a twist, a lie, if we aren’t careful.  The evil one, wants to control that wisdom.  Remember the lie in the garden?  When he whispered to Eve that God forbid the fruit because she would be like God and know things. And Eve ate.  The desire to know things is strong in us, it’s part of the miraculous creation He made us to be, to seek deeper understanding of the world and those around us.  But when the evil one whispers, “there’s more if you turn from God,” some are tempted to listen.  

 

Our world is inundated with the message, “you don’t need God, Jesus is a crutch, weak people are Christians.” Our schools teach history and science with no mention of God, a creator, or the Bible. And yet, God used a bunch of pagan astrologers to find the Savior.  How strange.  How very God.  Two worlds collide. At the very core of creation is the message and proof of Jesus.  I love it when God uses the unexpected, the unwanted, the outcast. These men who studied the stars knew something was different and it intrigued them.  When was the last time you looked up at the sky and it intrigued you? This year, 2020, in the days leading up to Christmas the planets Jupiter and Saturn appear to be in a dance as they are set to align as one planet on Dec 21. The planets will be about 400 million miles apart but will look as if they are right on top of each other. This happening was last visible in 1226. Some believe this explains the bright star the Kings followed.  Incredible?  Or God?  Astronomers say this is a once in a lifetime experience as it will not be visible again until 2080.  For some young children they make see it again, but for adults it is now or never.  

 

Now or never, now there’s a statement.  Are we so caught up in our own version of the truth that we can’t see Him?  There isn’t much time left.  Life is moving, the days are passing, and we must choose which side of knowledge we are on.  

 

The Kings knew something was amiss, strange, and they acted.  They followed.  As learned men they would have known the history of the Jewish people and the promise of a Messiah, but these men did not serve or worship God. They were seeking an answer to this strange heavenly star and searching to find the Messiah at the request of King Herod who wanted Him killed.  In their seeking the answer to this wonderment in the night sky they found the child, The KING OF KINGS, Savior of the World. They fell at His feet and worshipped Him and presented Him with gifts of Gold, Frankincense, and Myrrh. I often think how strange this is.  I don’t believe they set out to worship Him, I believe it was a desire for knowledge that led them a great way. But God chose to use them.  They did not tell King Herod they had found the Child. And returned home by another route. 

 

Isn’t it just like God to place himself in the midst of our journey, while we are still ignoring Him?  While we are refusing to see our need for Him, we shut our eyes to the truth and then He catches us completely off guard by placing the brightest star in front of us and we can do nothing but stare and follow.  He will stop at nothing.  He will seek after and reveal himself to all. He is the creator of knowledge and wisdom. 

 

As you look to the sky this advent season, remember those Kings who so long ago followed the star to find the Savior.  Seek Him and you will find Him.  Don’t let the lie of the evil one lull you into a false sense of security in your own knowledge and understanding.  We all need the Savior.  

 

Advent, Shepherds

 And the angel said unto them, Fear not: for, behold, I bring you good tidings of great joy, which shall be to all people. For unto you is born this day in the city of David a Savior, which is Christ the Lord. Luke 2:10-11

 

 

If you had an important message and wanted to disperse it to the ones who would be most affected, what method would you use? Today you might use an email, Facebook, or other social media outlet. Perhaps you would include several emojis to get the point across that this is a really big deal. A lifechanging event. What if you had the ability to not only grab the attention of your audience, but do it in such a way that it struck absolute terror in their hearts?  

 

Picture a group of tired, humble, faithful men on a hillside resting near a flock of sheep.  These men were a bit low in the social order of their day.  The priests had chosen and discarded sheep after sheep, looking for that perfect lamb to offer in sacrifice. Now it was their responsibility to keep the flock safe during the long night.

 

And then the messengers arrive.  The only lights had been the fires and the heavenly bodies above, including a particularly bright star that had caught their attention but did not disturb them too much.  Suddenly the sky above them shone with a glorious light. First one messenger- a supernatural being emerged from the beautiful, terrifying light. The Angel quickly eased their fears and proclaimed a stupefying announcement. “Don't be afraid! this news is fantastic! It's a world changer for all the people! That Messiah you’ve been waiting for has been born tonight in the city of David!” I paraphrase just a little. 

 

These common, simple, hardworking men were not welcome at the temple for worship because their work required ceremonial rituals after the unclean manure and dead animals. They were good enough to care for the sacrificial animals but paradoxically their work excluded them from acceptance to worship. As soon as the messenger angel proclaimed the news and gave them the confirming information where to find this Messiah baby and how to recognize him, the rest of the heavenly choir showed up and showed out. This was the moment heaven and earth had waited for. There praise was in fine form. Never had there been so much to celebrate. The darling of heaven had just put on human form and the Kingdom clock started its countdown.

 

Those shepherds are easy to identify with. We are unworthy of a love like that. The one who comes to us exactly like we are says, “this message is for you. Right where you are. My love is unfailing and everlasting.” The invitation is the same. Come and see Jesus. No one is unclean or beyond his forgiveness and grace. The ‘temple’ is not required because it's all about the relationship.                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                

 

Lord,

Help us to see your message.  Thank you that in the midst of our filthy, messy lives you chose to show us the love of a Savior.  We pray that our focus is on you this advent season and that we seek to know you more. Amen

 

 

Advent, Mary

 And the Word became flesh and dwelt among us, and we have seen his glory, glory as of the only Son from the Father, full of grace and truth. John 1:14

 

There is nothing sweeter than the feel of a newborn in your arms. I often envy Mary that God honored her with the privilege of holding the Savior so close. Knowing him so intimately, feeling his movement in her womb, experiencing the pain of his birth, then lying back in exhaustion, a smile of pure joy as she looks into the eyes of the one God has entrusted into her care. This child so frail, so fragile, dependent on the nourishment of her breast, looks back at her with complete trust for his wellbeing. All the while the chaos of the world ensues.  Joseph had traveled with his pregnant betrothed  because of the task at hand.  The Census, the count was to be taken and a baby waits for nothing when the time has come. The new mother finds herself in an dirty stable, in a strange city, cold, dark, alone.  And here she welcomes the Light of the World.   Was she scared? I suspect terrified.  Did she imagine this going a totally different way when God told her she was to birth the Savior? Perhaps.  There was no hesitation, as babies allow none, so it was out of her hands at the moment of his arrival.  The pain, the screams, the tearing, all for the Son of God.  She didn’t ask for this, I assume she didn’t fully understand what was happening, but there was a bond, a knowing, and intimacy, she knew this child within her and every instinct kicked in as she birthed the newborn.  And then with his tiny cries, it was over.  The pain miraculously gone replace by joy and a love only a mother knows in that moment after birth. And there in the dirt Mary held to her the Son of God.  Right there!! That’s what I envy.  That closeness.  Flesh touching flesh.  The smell of him, the softness of his skin, the sweetness of his new face.  Can you imagine? She knew him and he knew her.  The long awaited Child was nestled in the arms of a girl and he had known her from before the foundation of the earth.  And there was no fear.  How could there be?  To know the Savior is to know no fear. 

 

But we live in a tumultuous world, fear is everywhere.  And why?  Nothing has changed since the time of His birth.  Evil and good both exist. There is a fight for your attention and the control of your life.  The evil distracts you, wants you to feel comfortable and safe, evil keeps you on the sidelines, tucked out of the way, just plodding through life, not making waves, just existing.  But the Good, He gave His son and when he did, he meant business.  He will stop at nothing to have you.  He wants only good for you and promises to never leave you but requires faith and trust. He tells you from the very start of the relationship that it won’t be easy, but he’ll be with you.  GOD WANTS YOU!  Take a cue from Mary. God told her she was to bear His son.  She trusted.  She knew there would be pain. She trusted.  And with great anticipation she carried the Son of God for nine months of pregnancy through to an excruciating birth and then stood at the foot of the cross as the Savior of the world fulfilled the promise.  How could she stand it?  Did she remind herself of the purpose as the tears flowed?  Could she still feel him at her breast in need of her for life as he hung in death to give her live? The pain of this moment is too much to bear, but necessary in order to understand.  He died that we might have life. 

 

As we walk through this life, we anticipate His second coming.  The world is lost, darkness is closing in all around us.  But we must not be content to sit this fight out.  This is our time.  No matter what lies ahead or the pain we must endure, He has a plan for us, right here, right now.  What is holding you back?  Let God have it.  What fear are you holding onto?  He is greater that it.  Whatever he is calling you to he has already paved the way. Mary did not know the detail of God’s plan, but she knew God.  In that knowing, she trusted, and through that trust came the blessing. Trust Him.  There is something beautiful that awaits. 

 

Heavenly Father,

 

Help me to set aside the fear that keeps me from knowing you fully.  Thank you for the gift of your son and the promise of eternal life.  Help me to be the light in the darkness of my world.  Help me to see that no matter how great or small the calling when it is from you I must act and step out in faith.  Thank you for never leaving me and for a love that surrounds me so completely. 

 

In your Son’s precious name, Amen

Advent, Expectancy, Anticipation,

 Every year we look back and say, "Where did the time go?" Surprised that another year has gone by. The Christmas season is a time of contrasting emotions but this year in particular finds us with unique challenges. Our gatherings with friends and family look different. Feelings of loneliness and isolation have increased. Hope may be mingled with dread, anticipation with despair. Even in a 'normal' year, our inner voice can be drowned out by superficial distractions, leaving us drained and frustrated as the busyness robs us of the deeper meaning of the season.

 

We are living between the first Advent of Jesus Christ and the second Advent - His return. The essence of Advent is expectancy. A watchfulness. A time of hope and expectation. Christmas is about a promise fulfilled. Within the manger lies the cross, and the hope of redemption and resurrection. We look with fresh eyes at who Jesus is and are astonished anew at this amazing story. God is faithful. His plans prevail. In fact, it is only in God's coming that the Bible itself is given value.

 

God waited a thousand years after King David to bring the Messiah. 700 years after the prophesies in Isaiah. 400 years after the last prophet, Malachi. And then God showed up in the most amazing series of surprises. That's the thing about love. It will take you to surprising places. It will take many forms. The Father brought that love to a young, frightened girl in a backwater town called Nazareth on the outskirts of society. Then He caused a worldwide census to position her in Bethlehem. And God gave the message to uncouth, dirty shepherds that His love had been born in a barn and placed in the feeding trough of the cattle. Then He brought from the east Magi, pagan astrologers to the Christ child. How utterly bizarre. And then He caused the Messiah's flight to Egypt through the threat of Herod - the very place He had rescued His people from slavery. That love became a carpenter who became homeless and spent His time with the sick, the lame and the outcasts. He became despised while continuing to love those who despised and wished to hurt Him.

 

We long for a love that lasts. A love that is brave, not shaken. God offers a supernatural love, a love that compelled Jesus to leave His home in Heaven and take on human frailty as 'Immanuel', God With Us. 

 

We hear a lot these days about 'Intersectionality'. How race, class, gender, etc. intersect and overlap. A framework for understanding how identities combine. We live in parallel worlds. One consists of mountains, beaches, lakes, oceans, farms, deserts, politicians and shepherds watching over their flocks. The other consists of angels and sinister forces, places called Heaven and Hell. As scripture says, "He is the image of the invisible God, the firstborn over all creation. He is before all things, and in Him all things hold together". One night among the hills of Bethlehem those two worlds came together, but the eyewitnesses simply saw a newborn infant struggling to use brand new lungs.

 

Can you even imagine if those events were to play out in this tumultuous world we are living in today?  Think for a moment that you are going about your day and God himself appears to turn your whole world upside down in a way that will astonish, annoy and then amaze you if you choose to see He is doing it out of a love we can never comprehend. While we typically celebrate birth with joy and excitement, the reality of his birth is that it was necessary to fulfill the promise of eternal life brought by his death and resurrection. When the two worlds collided that night in Bethlehem, love was born.  As Mary held the infant close, the sound of a hammer rang out in the near future, the sound that would bring him to ultimate suffering for the love of us all.  The time is now for us to examine the world we live in and our response to the sacrifice of the cross. Are we living with expectancy this advent season?  Are we open to allowing God to show us more? As we approach the celebration of the ChristChild’s birth and the coming of a new year, let’s take a closer look at the responses of those whose lives were upturned by the events that unfolded. 

 

I am thrilled and honored to have collaborated on this devotional with my friend June Somers-Caudill.  I hope it blesses you this Christmas Season. ~Jenny 

 

Marriage 22 Years

 Brad and I were recently asked the secret to a long marriage. We just celebrated 22 years and by no means consider ourselves experts, but we do have a few tips and I’m smiling now as I recall sharing them with this eager young man. 

This year’s anniversary found us in two different states so we postponed time away together until this weekend.  For as long as I can remember we used a portion of our anniversary weekend away to Christmas shop.  This year we planned to do the same.  I booked a two night hotel stay with plans to check off our Christmas List. A few days ago I asked if we could change plans, take the Miata instead of the Explorer and just spend the weekend driving and exploring Florida backroads.  At the hotel we could just Amazon  our Christmas list.  He was more than happy to oblige. 

Our time this weekend has been wonderful. Any time away from it all causes me to reflect on what we have. Marriage is a commitment. A happy, fulfilled marriage is a choice. Honestly we don’t always make the right choices where ours is concerned and find we have to clean up some pretty big messes. And that’s just what we do. Instead of throwing in the towel, which is happening far too often in the marriages of our friends,  when it gets tough we choose to roll up our sleeves and tackle the problem head on. 

Brad’s advice to that young man was something we both heard from our pastor before we even met each other.  To not go into marriage with the mindset of giving your 50 percent, but always striving to give 100 percent and at times more. 

We live by that.  Mine is always to be honest no matter what. And then the three s’s, support, silence, and sex.

To support each other in life is a gift. To know the hopes and dreams of your spouse and encourage them to press toward them is an honor. Brad is my greatest cheerleader. He encourages me to seek after my dreams. I do the same for him. 

Silence. This is hard for me at times, because I am a fixer and always want to talk things out.  But knowing when to stay silent is “golden.” I’m getting better at it, I think!  Sex, well  you’d think this was a no brainer, but far too often this essential area is where marriages fall apart. My mom used to say sex starts in the kitchen... I love that. Just the other night as Brad and I were passing each other quickly in the kitchen as I was rushing off to drop off and pick up kids, he grabbed my butt and smiled at me as he told me to not be gone too long.  After 22 years he still makes me feel like the most loved, most wanted woman anywhere. Meeting each other’s needs bring happiness and excitement. But it’s a choice. 

Being intentional in our relationship is essential to our marriage’s health.  Our lives are busy, some days crowded to overflowing, but neglecting one another is not an option. I’m “lucky” that when I forget my own advice, Brad is more than happy to remind me.

Taking time away, being together is one thing we have become very good at these last few years, as our older children have become capable of taking care of things at home. Although 2020 saw many closures and shut downs we found a way to get away alone for 3 weekends, a few day trips, and always a weekly lunch/dinner date. Not an easy thing when you work two jobs, run a business and have 7 kids. But we made a choice to keep our relationship strong. I always say getting away makes us better parents and that’s true.  But it strengthens our bond in a way that doesn’t happen when we are surrounded by daily life. 

I’m writing this as we walk a battlefield state park off some Florida backroad. The sun is just starting to burn off the late morning fog. It’s beautiful and quiet except for the birds which are singing quite loudly. The best part is strolling with the man beside me.  My rock. Right now all is right in our world, but I am not so naive as to think we won’t stumble upon hard times in the years ahead, but I rest in the knowledge we can face anything if we face it together. That’s the best part of marriage, sharing life, no matter what comes.  But deciding in advance to go through it together. Here's to another 22 years.

Priorities and Traditions

When it comes to priorities and traditions we have to be intentional.  The busyness of life will lie to us, having us to believe there just isn't enough time and we push important things to the back burner. That's why date night has always been a priority for me and Brad. It's not always the same day each week, but it does happen each week in some form or another.  Last night it was dinner out at a New Mexican restaurant about 30 minutes away.  We enjoy the time in the car alone to talk in private.  It also allows for better people watching time in the restaurant!  Dinner was lovely and the time together was just what we needed as we have many important decisions on our plate right now and our heads are spinning as we head into this busy holiday season. so we were intentional with our time last night. 

Brad is recovering from surgery so I was driving last night and when we arrived home I didn't pull into the driveway but stayed in the road. I put it in park and ran up to the front door and shouted, "anyone who wants to look at Christmas lights get in the car now!" It's a long held family tradition.  I had decided we would kick it off in our neighborhood and leave the big night of lights for later in the month.

The kids were excited so they piled into the car. Amelia 3 was already in her bed asleep, so they grabbed her and carried her out.  NO judgement here....we live in a closed community and it was late and I drove 5MPH, but I put Amelia on my lap sound asleep as the kids all climbed in the back.  It was chilly and they snuggled together under a fleece blanket. Amelia, on my lap was still asleep, the cold hit her, she wiggled a bit to get closer to me, but didn't wake up. As we started to go (fair warning, my kids say this is too gross to share) I was suddenly aware of my lap becoming very very very warm. Yes! my sleeping baby girl peed in my lap right there in the driver's seat. As we were already underway I decided to finish our drive and deal with the pee when we got back.  Amelia slept the entire time and when we carried her into the house she looked at our house all lit up and smiled as she said "the lights are so beautiful." I laughed because she had missed looking at all the other houses. 

Now you might think it gross to drive around looking at lights covered in pee. But being together in that moment was a priority.  In a big family if you don't take an opportunity as it's presented you lose it. The fact that 5 kids ages 16-3 got in the car excited to look at lights means something. Even though we were missing two old kiddos, it is sweet that they text me addresses of light displays that they think are not to be missed with the kids.  Even though their lives have taken them away from some of the family traditions it still matters to them.  The memories mean enough that they want their younger siblings to experience the same. Make time for each other.  Priorities and traditions turn into beautiful family memories. 

*on a side note about the pee. 

We went inside and got cleaned up, changed into clean jammies and went to bed.  I was so grateful that pee accident had not happened in her bed.  Changing jammies is a lot easier than bunkbed sheets and bedding!!!! PRIORITIES!

Election Day (Post by Brad Ridgway)

 Last night my son came downstairs trying to ascertain whom I had voted for, much as he has over the last few days.  @ 18, this is his first election.  There is a raw excitement and passion frankly I can’t remember having since 1996 (and after my choice in the GOP primary lost that particular race, even that initial excitement didn’t last long).  I have steadfastly refused to divulge my choice and so he released an onslaught of questioning and logic to figure it out.  imagine if you will the poison scene from The Princess Bride - seriously, that’s exactly what this seemed like.  “Mom wouldn’t have said XYZ earlier if you had voted for candidate A, but clearly you would not have chosen candidate B because....”

My eternal role as the Devil’s advocate in our house for any topic of debate / disagreement drives my wife and our kids crazy.  They mock me as wish-washy for refusing to take a firm stand (at least outwardly) and this was no different.  For every time he has offered up an argument against anyone, I’ve countered with a solid op-Ed that gives an alternative view.  My biggest fear this election is not who wins or loses but that we use this as a way to indoctrinate our kids (or worse: fester an intolerance of those with whom they (we?) disagree).  There’s a pretty good chance most of your Biden-supporting friends are not socialists and your Trump-supporting ones aren’t a bunch of red neck racists, but hard to conclude that with the barrage insults on social media ...

There was certainly a temptation to influence his vote.  I had the raw power to do it.  Ultimately I confess that the pressure was relentless and I caved,  letting him know my vote as long as he assured me he wouldn’t use it to influence his own.  I’m still second guessing the wisdom of that... but he does at least know that even in my own choice, I have absolutely no peace.  Nor would I have any had I filled in any other bubble in this election.  He walked away noting that he might vote for Kanye and I think probably feeling as I did in 1996 or as I suspect many might have in 1968 after RFK was killed ...  having come to the realization that every choice on the ballot is human and therefore imperfect and that on Wednesday, life will go on...

The Clouds, the Tree, and the Savior at Work

 

   Just moments ago, I was staring up at a beautiful blue sky, watching huge puffy clouds sail overhead. 

The sun shone down, warm, but not overly so. When I woke this morning I made my way to the coffee pot, 

and I enjoyed my usual cup of coffee, as I contemplated what today might hold. It’s unusual for me to have

a weekday with nothing on the agenda. But this has been a strange week, and today is surprisingly clear of

 any engagements. 

   When my youngest two daughters asked if we could play outside by the pool, a.k.a. “The Resort“ I readily 

agreed, donned my book and outside reading glasses, and parked myself on a lounge to watch their antics.

After a short time of imaginative play, where Elsa was freezing everything within reach outside, and Anna was 

running and calling to Belle and Cinderella to help thaw out the backyard… Food was mentioned. Food is often 

mentioned in this household, and I love that my children are capable of fixing their own, and also offering to 

serve me. So I enjoy the lovely Caprese salad and an iced coffee while still relaxing on the back deck watching

the kids play. 

   Their play has now turned to an indoor activity, so here I sit, lost in my thoughts with time to contemplate. 

As I do the sun has disappeared behind the clouds which are darkening in color. They are rolling in heavy upon 

each other darker and deeper as they pile up overhead. It’s such a picture of life isn’t it? If you look closely 

enough you might see a blue patch begging to peek through, but the clouds are thick and strong and will 

not allow it to pierce their thickness. These days it seems the vibrant blue of my life, is often crowded out and 

push back by the clouds that are rolling in. It does not bring me grief or distress, but I am definitely aware and 

I am asking questions as to what this new darkness means.

    I’ve been melancholy this week, not quite sure why, but it’s been a strange and difficult time. It’s been that way 

all year, for many of us, but for some reason this week I’m struck with the sense that the Lord is trying to show me

 something, and I’m just not getting it. My thoughts are jumbled and confused, I can’t settle myself long enough to 

actually read anything meaningful, I have this desire to just sit and be still, and yet when I do so I feel like I need to

 be doing something productive. My mind, my body, my soul we are at odds. And in my melancholy I’ve been 

praying for clarity. If I were to be completely truthful I might add here, some of the details of my life as of late that 

have contributed to this, but now is not the time for such open sharing. What I can say is that God is constantly at 

work and I am desiring to deeply seek what the next steps for my life are. 

   The rain has started to fall, and I have taken shelter under the back porch, where I still have a view of the 

backyard and pool as the small drops hit the water. My eyes are drawn to the fig tree. This huge tree is in the most

 inconvenient location in our backyard. And yet I have designed all of our outdoor space around it because at some 

deep level I know this tree belongs right where it is. Just the other day my son said “you better watch out, one of these 

days you’re going to be gone and I’m going to take out that unsightly thing.” I laughed because I know he’ll never do this, but I do agree it tends to be unsightly these days, and it is absolutely intrusive in nature as to where it sits. It has shown what this year is with its leaves and fruit, and I see a picture of what my own life has been. 

   A fig tree naturally grows big, bright green leaves in spring and then drops them after the first frost, which here in Florida is around January or February. But this year, which has been a year of excruciating growth for me, this tree has dropped its leaves multiple times. Has sprouted fruit at the most ridiculous time of year, and again although baron of leaves just a couple of weeks before is now sprouting huge bright green leaves pointing toward the sky. It makes absolutely no sense except for the picture of life, my life, that it portrays. My life this year has not been normal. This year the Lord has stripped me, to grow me, just a strip me again, to grow me even stronger. It is a beautiful and painful experience, and I wouldn’t trade it for anything. 

I believe that when people look at the fig tree it is unsightly, even ugly. But there is beauty waiting to bud. I believe my own life has looked that way this year. 

   And to the ones closest to me I have been ugly, as God has been cleaning and clearing out the things that he has no use for in my life. And the ones that are walking alongside me in this journey, I hope and pray they can see the budding leaves, and the first signs of fruit. Oh how I wish, how I hope that this is how I appear to the world, but I know that often we move too quickly, and do not take time to truly stop and look deeply at those around us. I fear, with all that is in me, that the ones I desperately want to reach, are seeing the unsightly, ugly mess, and not taking time to see that God is working me over, and making me into something beautiful. 

   The clouds are moving out and I see the blue peeking through. I make my way to the back steps of the deck, my spot, the place I go to meet God. I feel the sun warm my skin, he reminds me "I am making you new. I am making all things new!' He reminds me that although the journey is filled with pain at times, joy comes in the morning. Joy comes in discovering that he holds the future.

Heavenly father, as I sit here in this place, this place where I feel you the most, I pray that you use me. You have worked me over good this year, but in a really great way, and I pray that you use my brokenness, that you use the things that you have revealed to me, to show those around me how glorious and beautiful knowing you is. Thank you for the newness of life that you have allowed me to experience. Thank you for mending the deepest broken parts of my heart, thank you for showing me your beauty in creation, 

thank you for allowing me to know your heart through the laughter of my children, thank you Lord for the burden that you placed upon me for those that are seeking and searching Lord, those who the desire more, but don’t yet know that you are everything they could need, want, or ever hope for. Thank you for those that you have allowed to walk beside me. I pray for the ones that I have deeply hurt, i’m sorry for those I have disregarded through the years, I regret how often I turned a blind eye. I pray for the ones who have not understood my words and I ask you to help me choose my words carefully as I move forward in conversation with these, with whom damage has been done. I beg you Lord to give me eyes, your eyes, to see as you see, so that you can use me to reach them, and meet the needs of those around me. I asked that this all not be for naught, or selfish gain. I ask that my children 

grow to know you deeply, I ask that you use them in ways that I can only imagine, for your glory, for your kingdom, for all eternity. Mostly Lord I’m overwhelmed by the thought that you would love me, that you would call me yours, and that you would choose to use me in any significant way. Oh how I love you Lord, l lay myself at your feet, I give all that I am and all that I have to you. For it is in your Son’s name that I pray, amen

do you see me?

Do you see me? 

I'm smiling but my heart is broken.

A dream is lost and so am I.

I'm searching for the next best thing.

I’m standing strong.

I'm breaking.

I carry a heavy load. 

Often heavier than I can bare.

But I continue on.

Searching, seeking, hoping.

All around me I see hurt.

So I find some strength within.

I must remain strong.

The weakness must not show.

Did you see me?

I faltered today.

I let my humanity show.

I tear slipped out.

A sigh escaped.

The load grew heavier.

I'm feeling overwhelmed.

Not knowing where to turn.

I can't tell a soul.

Can't let them know I'm weak.

Can you hear me?

I cried out today.

I screamed Your name aloud.

I'm tired of pretending.

I lay my burdens down.

I can't keep up the charade.

This child needs much rest.

I hear your quiet whisper.

"My Child, I'm right here."

I unload my heavy burdens.

Lay them at Your nail scared feet.

Will you hold me?

I need your arms of comfort.

To wrap me in your love.

What a foolish child am I.

I can't do this on my own.  

Wipe away these tears I cry.

I trust you Jesus with my broken heart.

I seek rest for my soul.

Can you see me?

Refreshed.

The load is lighter now.

You have renewed me.

Restored.

You have reminded me.

I don't have to be so strong.

My strength comes from you.

Can they see YOU?

I hope they can.

I'll shout it aloud.

It's HIS strength in me.

It’s HIS healing hand. 

He gives me love.

Enough to love the ones He gives me. 

I stand a little taller.

Strengthened by His hand.

When I see them falter.

I’ll reach out.

I’ll be honest about who I am.

I’ll tell them I’m only human.

The can take what I have but not break me.

My strength might fail me.

But I know whose I am.

I’ll run to the Savior when I feel weak. 

Thank you Jesus 

Thank you for loving me.

I know that You see me.

I feel that You’re shaping me.

I give all of me to You.

No matter what comes. 

I’ll trust You.

I love You Jesus. 

I love You.

Loving Them, All of Them

 I said something today that would shock most people who have know me for forever.  I can't share the details but I can share the premise.  I want the people in my life to know I love them no matter what.  And I mean the very real, deep kind of love that covers a multitude of sins and offenses.  The kind of love we see in the Savior.  

Now here's the clincher. People are not easy to love, especially the ones closest to us and the ones we've know the longest.  But my heart is telling me that these are the ones I must love the best first so that I can love the ones that come next.  I know from experience that love multiplies. Ask any mom of lots of kids about this phenomenon.  It will never cease to amaze me each time I held my newborn baby the amount of brand new, just for this child, love swelled up inside of me. If I love my husband and children well, they in turn love each other better and love multiplies.  When I love my neighbor, co-worker, and ministry partners well, love multiplies. 

The greatest example of love is our Savior.  He loved unconditionally.  His example to us is to sit, talk,  and eat with the rejects, the sinners, the dirty and the poor.  And when He gathered with the closest ones to eat His final meal He knelt and washed their feet as He prepared to give His life in the ultimate sacrifice of love.

When I love people, I want to love like Christ.  That means I must love all people.  And that's where I start to stumble, until I hear him gently whisper, "this one is hurting, they are tender, love this one well." It is then that I see with His eyes and start to love without judgement or condemnation.  

I confess I have struggled with this for a long time.  My world is black and white and I was harsh to judge and shun.  I am ashamed that I took His job upon myself and I ache for the ones I hurt along the way. I was talking with a friend today about my black and white viewpoint and she reminded me that to love well, we must venture into "their" gray.  I am grateful for  a new beginning as I set out to love with His mindset. And I will stand on the word of God, I will not condone sin, but I will love you sin and all. Because my Savior loves me.

the draft folder

A few weeks ago I set out to write a new post and noticed the size of my draft folder.  I find it a bit disturbing, my desire to write and the lack of words at times.  Lately it seems my head is full to overflowing with the thoughts and ideas I want to share of all God is showing me, but as soon as I sit down to write I am at a complete loss as to how to articulate my jumbling almost frantic thoughts into some semblance of coherent sentence.  The titles in the folder are a vast array of wild thoughts and ideas that keep popping into my head as I journey along the path the Lord has me on at this moment.  The last of which is titled "draft folder."  The day I sat down to write I had set aside my computer to run the kids to their dance lessons (the studio is owned by my sister and because all the kids have taken lessons for the past 15 years, I took over the office work for my sister because I basically live there anyway.) I got busy working in the office and it wasn't until late in the day while talking with my sister about my writing that I confessed how ironic it was that I have drafted a post title "draft folder" and then sent it to the draft file, perhaps never to be published.  I laughed about it, but didn't really find it amusing. 

It's been bothering me.  My life these past weeks feel like the draft folder.  So many attempts and new beginnings, fresh ideas, and new glimpses of this dream that is growing.  It seems that almost daily God is showing me some new piece to this puzzle and each is a story in itself, yet each story trickles into a much larger one that He is writing.  And He is working in my life and in the lives of those He desires to use to pull it all together in only a way He can. 

It's scary.  For the first time in a long time I am not tempted to get ahead of Him, but rather I wait with great anticipation to see what He will bring next.  I am reminded of the old children's song;

Songwriters: Joel Hemphill

He's Still Working on Me lyrics © Universal Music Publishing Group

He's still working on me
To make me what I need to be
It took him just a week to make the moon and stars
The sun and the earth and Jupiter and Mars
How loving and patient He must be
'Cause He's still workin' on me

There really ought to be a sign upon my heart
Don't judge him yet, there's an unfinished part
But I'll be better just according to His plan
Fashioned by the Master's loving hands

He's still working on me
To make me what I need to be
It took him just a week to make the moon and stars
The sun and the earth and Jupiter and Mars
How loving and patient He must be
'Cause He's still workin' on me

In the mirror of His word

Reflections that I see

Makes me wonder why He never gave up on me

But He loves me as I am and helps me when I pray
Remember He's the potter, I'm the clay

I am in God's draft folder. And that's just fine with me.  I'm content to let the Potter work this clay remembering that I'm fashioned by the Master's loving hand. 

the table (an update)

It's been a few weeks now since I had the boys help me lug a rough looking picnic table to the front lawn to launch into this new adventure to which God's called me.  That first  morning the table was plain, raw, rough around the edges, and absolutely perfect.  I was set on not creating the illusion of perfection, when the very thing I truly desired was authenticity.  Week two found me with the wood burning tool in hand, I struggled to burn a scripture into the table. Many coats of stain and paint later the table was ready to greet people for week two.  The table sits in the front yard under the Crepe Myrtle tree and the setting is absolutely peaceful.  It is the perfect place to view the early morning activity of my neighborhood.  

As we've gathered these last weeks we've shared our thoughts, hopes, and dreams of what God's calling us each to do.  For some it is clear, others are still seeking.  What I love most is the honesty, as when one morning I sensed no one else desired to pray and I offered to just close with a prayer, I was answered with, "please do."  No pretending, just honesty.  I love that there is open and raw honestly and emotion at the table.  We are seeking, we are searching.

The path I am to take is becoming clearer by the moment and I am grateful for a God who clearly leads the way.  I know He is leading, because these steps He's having me take were not even on my radar.  He's funny that way, surprising us along the journey.  Every day I look back and see how He prepared me for this time.  

I'm starting to long for the next opportunity to be used and I know it requires being vulnerable in a way that could lead to hurt.  I am trusting in His guidance and ready to take on this new challenge.  In the meantime He is calling me to use the table more often and in a new way. The table remains in the yard but will see a different use in the weeks to come.  He is calling me to reach out to some new individuals and invite them to come and sit a while.  

Please know you are welcome anytime, the table is always there, come and sit a while. 

the tender heart

While the big kids and I were “in church” this morning these two cuties were logged on to their own worship time.  It resulted in this video.  When I chatted with her about her thought that accepting Jesus was hard, she said that having to say your sorry and wrong in very hard.  

I remember vividly the events leading up to her sweet salvation.  We had been talking about having another baby and her maybe being a big sister, she was around 3.  She was adamantly against it.  One night we got home after being out all afternoon and as we walked into the house she informed us that if we had a new baby she would put it in the road to get run over (you won’t ever convince me we aren’t born with our sin nature). I immediately stopped and dealt with this disturbing turn of events.  I’ll spare you the details, but the talk resulted in a very somber little girl as we prepared and sat down to dinner.  Barely into the meal she leaves the table and goes upstairs to her room without a word, leaving us wondering.  She returns a bit later and I asked what she had been doing.  In the most serious tone she tells us, that she just could let her heart be black anymore and she needed to ask Jesus to wash it clean.  Then she continued eating.  I remember smiling through tears at the simplicity with which children approach God.  It brings a smile to my face today, that she’s doing this video with her baby sister, whom she loves.  

What a reminder to me that they are watching and listening. But more than that are we leading them in the way God calls us too as parents? Their tender hearts need to be guided yet protected.  They are looking to us to show His love. They are the future. 

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