Just moments ago, I was staring up at a beautiful blue sky, watching huge puffy clouds sail overhead.
The sun shone down, warm, but not overly so. When I woke this morning I made my way to the coffee pot,
and I enjoyed my usual cup of coffee, as I contemplated what today might hold. It’s unusual for me to have
a weekday with nothing on the agenda. But this has been a strange week, and today is surprisingly clear of
any engagements.
When my youngest two daughters asked if we could play outside by the pool, a.k.a. “The Resort“ I readily
agreed, donned my book and outside reading glasses, and parked myself on a lounge to watch their antics.
After a short time of imaginative play, where Elsa was freezing everything within reach outside, and Anna was
running and calling to Belle and Cinderella to help thaw out the backyard… Food was mentioned. Food is often
mentioned in this household, and I love that my children are capable of fixing their own, and also offering to
serve me. So I enjoy the lovely Caprese salad and an iced coffee while still relaxing on the back deck watching
the kids play.
Their play has now turned to an indoor activity, so here I sit, lost in my thoughts with time to contemplate.
As I do the sun has disappeared behind the clouds which are darkening in color. They are rolling in heavy upon
each other darker and deeper as they pile up overhead. It’s such a picture of life isn’t it? If you look closely
enough you might see a blue patch begging to peek through, but the clouds are thick and strong and will
not allow it to pierce their thickness. These days it seems the vibrant blue of my life, is often crowded out and
push back by the clouds that are rolling in. It does not bring me grief or distress, but I am definitely aware and
I am asking questions as to what this new darkness means.
I’ve been melancholy this week, not quite sure why, but it’s been a strange and difficult time. It’s been that way
all year, for many of us, but for some reason this week I’m struck with the sense that the Lord is trying to show me
something, and I’m just not getting it. My thoughts are jumbled and confused, I can’t settle myself long enough to
actually read anything meaningful, I have this desire to just sit and be still, and yet when I do so I feel like I need to
be doing something productive. My mind, my body, my soul we are at odds. And in my melancholy I’ve been
praying for clarity. If I were to be completely truthful I might add here, some of the details of my life as of late that
have contributed to this, but now is not the time for such open sharing. What I can say is that God is constantly at
work and I am desiring to deeply seek what the next steps for my life are.
The rain has started to fall, and I have taken shelter under the back porch, where I still have a view of the
backyard and pool as the small drops hit the water. My eyes are drawn to the fig tree. This huge tree is in the most
inconvenient location in our backyard. And yet I have designed all of our outdoor space around it because at some
deep level I know this tree belongs right where it is. Just the other day my son said “you better watch out, one of these
days you’re going to be gone and I’m going to take out that unsightly thing.” I laughed because I know he’ll never do this, but I do agree it tends to be unsightly these days, and it is absolutely intrusive in nature as to where it sits. It has shown what this year is with its leaves and fruit, and I see a picture of what my own life has been.
A fig tree naturally grows big, bright green leaves in spring and then drops them after the first frost, which here in Florida is around January or February. But this year, which has been a year of excruciating growth for me, this tree has dropped its leaves multiple times. Has sprouted fruit at the most ridiculous time of year, and again although baron of leaves just a couple of weeks before is now sprouting huge bright green leaves pointing toward the sky. It makes absolutely no sense except for the picture of life, my life, that it portrays. My life this year has not been normal. This year the Lord has stripped me, to grow me, just a strip me again, to grow me even stronger. It is a beautiful and painful experience, and I wouldn’t trade it for anything.
I believe that when people look at the fig tree it is unsightly, even ugly. But there is beauty waiting to bud. I believe my own life has looked that way this year.
And to the ones closest to me I have been ugly, as God has been cleaning and clearing out the things that he has no use for in my life. And the ones that are walking alongside me in this journey, I hope and pray they can see the budding leaves, and the first signs of fruit. Oh how I wish, how I hope that this is how I appear to the world, but I know that often we move too quickly, and do not take time to truly stop and look deeply at those around us. I fear, with all that is in me, that the ones I desperately want to reach, are seeing the unsightly, ugly mess, and not taking time to see that God is working me over, and making me into something beautiful.
The clouds are moving out and I see the blue peeking through. I make my way to the back steps of the deck, my spot, the place I go to meet God. I feel the sun warm my skin, he reminds me "I am making you new. I am making all things new!' He reminds me that although the journey is filled with pain at times, joy comes in the morning. Joy comes in discovering that he holds the future.
Heavenly father, as I sit here in this place, this place where I feel you the most, I pray that you use me. You have worked me over good this year, but in a really great way, and I pray that you use my brokenness, that you use the things that you have revealed to me, to show those around me how glorious and beautiful knowing you is. Thank you for the newness of life that you have allowed me to experience. Thank you for mending the deepest broken parts of my heart, thank you for showing me your beauty in creation,
thank you for allowing me to know your heart through the laughter of my children, thank you Lord for the burden that you placed upon me for those that are seeking and searching Lord, those who the desire more, but don’t yet know that you are everything they could need, want, or ever hope for. Thank you for those that you have allowed to walk beside me. I pray for the ones that I have deeply hurt, i’m sorry for those I have disregarded through the years, I regret how often I turned a blind eye. I pray for the ones who have not understood my words and I ask you to help me choose my words carefully as I move forward in conversation with these, with whom damage has been done. I beg you Lord to give me eyes, your eyes, to see as you see, so that you can use me to reach them, and meet the needs of those around me. I asked that this all not be for naught, or selfish gain. I ask that my children
grow to know you deeply, I ask that you use them in ways that I can only imagine, for your glory, for your kingdom, for all eternity. Mostly Lord I’m overwhelmed by the thought that you would love me, that you would call me yours, and that you would choose to use me in any significant way. Oh how I love you Lord, l lay myself at your feet, I give all that I am and all that I have to you. For it is in your Son’s name that I pray, amen
