New Life

He died February 2011, Elijah, a fun, rambunctious, precious lollipop loving 2 1/2 year old. He wandered from his room at nap time and was later found in the family swimming pool. The gaping hole he left words can not describe, the pain and questions that assail his family are at times to hard to see and painful to watch. Why horrible things happen to good people is the question that swims in the minds of those who know this family. But God did not change that day. The world as we knew it came crashing down, but God was still the same at the end of that horrible day. Bad things happen everyday as a result of this world we live live in and the choices we make, but when they hit your world you sit up and take notice.

The morning started so beautifully. Brad and I loaded up our pressure washer and the kids and headed to Grace's house to wash the porch and driveway. It was a fun Saturday morning and we finished just after lunch and headed home. We stopped at a thrift store on the way home and bartered with the salesman for a deal on a beautiful (but in need of work) cabinet. $25.00 and 1 cabinet later we headed home. As we drove I thought how perfect the day was. I had my family close working for the good of someone else, a new cabinet to make over, things seemed so great. I did not know the tragedy that would change all that.

Hours later I stood watching the helicopter take Elijah to Orlando for more specialized care, he died there the next day, and with his death also died my view of life.

In my December post, I wrote a prayer and referenced how fragile life is. I had no idea. I can not even imagine living with the hole, losing my own child would leave. I have watched Elijah's family move on. Their world is so very different now, but they have survived. Maybe they don't see it the same way as those of us looking in, but they are strong. It has been a year and they have since welcomed a new baby Simon Elijah into their family. He is precious, he is healing, he belongs. I held him the other night and in his precious face I saw God's love in a deep way.

In this last year many things have changed, one my ability to write this blog. Words would not come. I felt that I had to write about Elijah's death becasue it changed so much for me, but I could not do it. Two, I learned to pray and trust God in an altogether new way. A way that still boggles my mind and can only be described as blind trust. Through the tears that clouded my vision I could only see my God's hand and I could hear Him telling me to just be still and know that I am God. And so I am learning to trust Him in a new way because it is the only way I know to survive this pain of this life. But joy comes in the morning. And for me it came in the form of my cabinet, (the one that needed work?). It sat on my porch and taunted me for months. It was as if it was saying, "you thought you had your perfect little life all figured out, well boy were you wrong." I hated that cabinet until one day I decided to tackle it. I scraped it and sanded it and painted it. It still has a broken glass pane but in time that will also be repaired. It has been my pool cabinet on the porch through the fall and winter. The paint has chipped a little giving a weather look, (kind of like my life), but it has found a home on my porch and fits well. I think of Elijah when I see it and now it makes me smile. But little did I know that God was not done using that cabinet to teach me life lessons.

I took my coffee out to the porch last month and saw two sparrows flying in and out of my cabinet, that afternoon a took my vaccuum and cleaned away their attempts at making thier nest inside my cabinet. I thought I was successful until last week when I saw the sparrow fly back in. There is a silk plant on the shelf inside and of course the glass pane is still missing so the bird was able to build another nest that I could not see. I was mad until I heard little chirps and then all at once my heart softened as I peered into the nest at three baby birds hungry for breakfast. It was as if God was saying to me "I am giver of life, I give and I take away" to which my heart cried out, " blessed be Your Name!"

I still do not understand why Elijah is not here with us, but I will not question God or allow the hurt to cause me to take my eyes off Him, because I would rather live a thousand days of pain with God, than one fine day without Him.

I rest in the knowledge that I will once again see the sticky face of Elijah and we will rejoice in the presence of our God together.

See ya soon, "Weeble" Love Miss Jenny