Christmas Eve Burdens

My heart is full tonight.  It’s 1:11am, all is quiet in my house.  Kids are in bed, Brad is asleep, all the presents have been putt out and I am reflecting on this day before I go to sleep.  The true question is will I sleep tonight? My heart is heavy with the emotions of the evening.  Family.  The holidays truly bring out the worst in us.  Not that we intend it to be, but it just happens to creep in when we least expect it.  Perhaps you are like me and you do expect it and it causes such great sadness to see it play out.  Just to be clear all is well on my homefront.  We had an emotional end to this Christmas Eve, but hopefully the events of the day and the beautiful candlelight service will be what is remembered years from now,

We have been sadly watching my husbands parents marriage slip away.  One is willing to fight for them, one is not.  The emotions and bitterness are decades old and no good ever comes from rehashing old wounds with no hope of reconciliation.  These last weeks have been snowballing and tonight we made an attempt at normalcy, with a cookie and sparkling grape juice visit to their home.  Within minutes all hell broke loose and tonight for the first time  my children were there. One son in particular was singled out and slander was spoken against him. I am sad to say I let him storm out of the house and my heart broke. I quickly sent my other children back to the car. The events that followed will not be shared but I will say this, bitterness hurts the one who holds it most, and results in lost relationships.

When we arrived back home I sat very still on the couch holding a sleeping baby.  Brad came and asked what I was thinking about although he knew the answer was what had unfolded at his parents.  We sat in silence for a while before I said only God could fix this, it’s too big for anyone else.  Brad said maybe it’s even too big for God.  We talked for a while before starting our Christmas Eve rituals with heavy hearts.

Now as I sit quietly I know in my heart God can fix anything, but Brad’s point was more that we have to want His healing.  The bitterness his parent has held on to is now controlling them, almost to the point of no return and the situation seems hopeless.  It makes me all too aware that I too have a tendency to hold on to things that are out of my control and best left in the past. I know when I let these things take over my thoughts I become hurt, angry, and I start to withdraw from those I hold dear or lash out at anything that breathes.

Tonight was horrible to witness, but it has allowed me to commit to not letting myself hold on to resentment or hurt.  We all hurt, mine is no different from yours and at times it feels crushing, but I will not be defined by that hurt.
The Christmas story is thirty-three years long.  It was so much more then a promised Messiah born in Bethlehem.  It was a Savior who cane to die for the sins of the world.  He came to so thourouly make new those who asked that we are no longer slaves to the pain of the world.  Yes we will still ache as long as we have breath, but our hope comes in knowing He is with us and has prepared a forever home for us where once and for all, all pain and suffering will disappear.  How great is our God!!!!!  This year will be marked with a defing moment in time where I alllwed Him to have it all.  The hurt, the disappointment, the sadness, and loss.  I will rejoice that He is enough and in Him my Soul is satiafied.


There is nothing too big for this God. Cast all your cares upon Him, for He cares for you.

Broken in marriage, stronger together.

Broken Together

Casting Crowns

What do you think about when you look at me

I know we're not the fairy tale you dreamed we'd be

You wore the veil, you walked the aisle, you took my hand

And we dove into a mystery

How I wish we could go back to simpler times

Before all our scars and all our secrets were in the light

Now on this hallowed ground, we've drawn the battle lines

Will we make it through the night?

It's going to take much more than promises this time

Only God can change our minds

Maybe you and I were never meant to be complete

Could we just be broken together

If you can bring your shattered dreams and I'll bring mine

Could healing still be spoken and save us

The only way we'll last forever is broken together

How it must have been so lonely by my side

We were building kingdoms and chasing dreams and left love behind

I'm praying God will help our broken hearts align

And we won't give up the fight

It's going to take much more than promises this time

Only God can change our minds

Maybe you and I were never meant to be complete

Could we just be broken together

If you can bring your shattered dreams and I'll bring mine

Could healing still be spoken and save us

The only way we'll last forever is broken together

Maybe you and I were never meant to be complete

Could we just be broken together

If you can bring your shattered dreams and I'll bring mine

Could healing still be spoken and save us

The only way we'll last forever is broken together

So once again my post will contain a song.  My thought when I first heard this song was that it was written just for me.  Looking back over the last 20 years, I’d be a fool to say our marriage is what I’d thought it would be.  In part because we were just kids and what we dreamt of was something close to a fairytale. When the reality of marriage is that it’s hard and it hurts. So here is the real and the raw truth of twenty years together. 

Brad is my best friend and the one I most neglect and often put last. He is the one that holds my heart, knows my 

deepest secrets, and has the ability to hurt me the most.  He is the one who has held me through my darkest moments and picked me up when I couldn’t stand alone. He has seen me at my worst and loved me still.  He is not perfect, far from it.  But he is mine and I am his. 

   From the start of our marriage he has shown strength and commitment to go the long haul with me even though we’ve wanted to give up, quitting on us was never an option.  We’ve faced heartache and joy, anger, stress and happiness, and we’ve leaned on each other through some of life’s greatest losses.  We’ve said unkind things to each other and gone to bed mad more than once.  But we love fiercely and it is that love that holds us together. 

   Although the path we are on is so different from what I dreamed, there is no one else I’d rather journey with and I trust the Lord for what lies ahead.  If there is anything I’ve learned it’s that I can not be in control and so I trust in God for our future.

   I’m thankful for the man that allows me to be broken and walks beside me.  And I accept his brokenness as well, knowing full well that we are stronger together. I don’t know what the next twenty years have in store for us, but I know it will be fine with him by my side. Happy 20 Brad, I love you. 

Reflections

I see the clock has not struck 10 pm, so it is not late yet by my standards.  Today was a big day in or house...the baby turned one.  Unfortunately she has a cold and her birthday giggles were frequently interrupted by nose wipes, and crankiness.  We will celebrate her this weekend with all the family and hopefully she will feel like herself again.  But the baby's birthday is not my reason for writing.  She is tucked into our bed with her daddy which gives me some quiet moments to reflect on our life as of late.

And so I sit tonight in quiet solitude (you would be surprised if you were here to know that all 7 kids are home at the moment) a glass of wine and my new reading glasses make for the perfect opportunity to write what's been on my heart as of late.

Recently we went away (on our yearly stay-cation) with my sister's family.  We stayed in a two bedroom condo (one for each family) for a week.  One of my favorite things about this week not related to time with family, is the minimalistic life we live for 7 days.  We pack clothes for 3-4 (there's a washing machine), food is bought when I arrive for the week, and toys and electronics are just what fits in each kids backpack.

The week was amazing (for me) Brad was still working and running R&S remotely so he is never able to fully relax.  But I found true moments of relaxation and I am grateful for the reboot it gave me.  Upon returning home I walked in the house and was hit quit forcefully with the realization that our house had become out of control with stuff.  Everywhere I looked there was stuff. (I'm sure this was magnified by the fact I had just checked out of a practically empty condo). Yes some was decorative and useful, but it didn't give me the feeling of peace I had wanted to feel when I returned to my home.  I knew something had to be done.

I have been struggling as of late on how to regain some of my OCD self without alienating my friends and family.  Truth be told I personally am a more contented person when things are in order, but the lengths I go to get  that level of organization are a turnoff to many people around me.  I desire to be a light and strive not to send people running from me, but I was dying a slow death by not maintaining order in my home. I needed to feel at peace.  I have spent the summer pouring over design ideas to implement a sense of peace amidst the crazy busy life we lead.  I was looking to create a space that begged us to slow down and breathe deeply.  I came across the book "the NESTING place" by Myquillyn Smith.  She spoke to my heart and gave me the push I needed to recapture my "in charge of things, organized" self.  I had been slowly purging over the summer, mostly clothes, toys, and books.  When I got home from our week away I was "all in" for a complete downstairs makeover.  And my plan was to do it alone.  I did not want to bother or burden Brad with projects when he was already working so hard.

And so I decided on a color palate and bought some paint.  Once the nook was painted I knew I was on the path to something great.  A hand me down wire shelf with some baskets from Big Lots helped to streamline some of the everyday item we use in our kitchen, i.e.. the blender, mixer, cookbooks, etc.  the yellow kitchen walls became a soft grey/beige which provided a perfect backdrop to my three tiered cake stands.  All the curtains were removed, washed and rehung, (the curtains are a newer purchase and already reflected the color change I was looking to make).

Next, I moved into the living room, our main downstairs gathering place.  It is the room I sit in every night and the place I do my writing.  I knew in my heart what I wanted it to be I just needed to get my head wrapped around the thought that certain items in the room needed to either go or find another place to live in our home.  First to go was a HUGE overstuffed chair that has never fit right in our life.  It took a little bit of time and the removing of all 4 feet to get the monstrosity up the stairs and into the family/tv room upstairs but we did it.  Next to go were a pair of wooden side chairs with red seat cushions. Having no other place for then they are shoved into the office/school room right now (along with a bunch of other stuff that needed to get out of my way while I paint) until I decide what to do with them.  Next was the rug, not hard because I did not care for it.  Last was the painting that took up most of the prominent wall of the Living room.  I LOVE the painting,  it is of a field of red poppies.  I waited a long time to purchase it many years ago, checking often for it to go on sale, and when it did it was a really big deal to buy something so big and beautiful for our home.  I plan to put it in our bedroom when I get to making over that area of the house.  The Living room was quietly transformed by the subtle teal color as I painted into the wee hours of the morning.  Things were already shaping up to be what I had envisioned.

I, being an organized person like to paint and pick up all at the same time.  So as the paint was drying the room was slowly put back together and it gave me a sense of accomplishment as I saw the room taking on a whole new feel of peace and tranquility.  I was exhausted, but it was worth it.  The rest of the project came together by rearranging what we already owned (one of my favorite things to do) and a  couple of trips to Tuesday Morning where I found the most perfect rug and side chair, a few perfect finds at Hobby Lobby and Big Lots rounded out the new purchases.

The result has been a place where my family sits and we talk, we snuggle, its calm and peaceful and no one really wants to leave the room.  I am grateful for a place to sit and reflect.  The world is so loud, I think it is important to have a home that allows us to hear each other and be in each others presence in a comforting way.  I am not finished with the house yet.  I will continues to make the rooms into the best home for my family. And I will cherish the time each one spends here with us.

Lord,
Thank you for creating us with a desire to be still and quiet at times.  Help us to seek You in the quiet.  thank You for instilling in us a love for beauty, help us to see Your beauty in the things around us and may our home reflect the love and beauty of You.

The Battle

Tonight I sit in a quiet living room, as the clock nears the 12am hour I'm reflecting on the last few weeks of life.  I feel as if I am a soldier in battle and for just a few moments all is calm.  I can take a little bit of time to assess the damage, check my wounds and gear up for what I know might be another round of full out war.  Is that too dramatic?  Perhaps.  But it sums up exactly how I feel.  I am tired and wounded and at this moment I feel the need to beg God for strength to go another round.  The battle I am in is for my children, specifically one, and I wonder if I will have what it takes to be strong and win the next round.

It's nights like these that I feel totally inadequate in the role I must play as a parent of a teenager.  For the life that grew inside of me now towers over me and has thoughts and opinions of his own and the ability to make his own choices.  And these days those choices are in complete disregard to the guidelines that have been set my his dad and myself.  Rebellion has reared its ugly head and the battle lines have been drawn.

These last weeks have seen some ugly verbal exchanges, defiant body language, tears, deep conversation, confession, heartbreak, punishment, and accountability.  As a parent we want the absolute best for our kids and there is nothing worse then when they make a decision that takes that away.  The next hardest thing is allowing them to face the consequences for their behavior.  I remind myself to stand strong, to love fiercely, to let my precious child know that nothing will ever stop me from loving them, to show them that the bonds of trust can be rebuilt, to pray hard.

Through all of this the Lord has reminded me of just how great His love is.  Last night I was sitting in the car in the driveway just talking to Jesus when He spoke to my spirit.  It was in that moment that I understood a little better what it truly meant that Jesus died for me.  That God sent is ONLY Son, to die for ME!  And to know that the God of the universe holds the answers and solution to my every need, and the He is just a whisper away, brought such peace in the midst of chaos.

I don't know what the future holds for my child, but I know who holds his future. And I long as I have breath in  me I will plead with the Lord to guide him.

Lord, You know how my heart breaks for my child.  Please give me the words and the wisdom to help them find their way back to your plan.  Help me to forgive the offenses and let trust be rebuilt.  Amen

Summer Project

Our summer project has been to build my middle son's clubhouse/fort of his dreams.  I say dreams because he's been dreaming of this day for quite some time now.  I knew we didn't have the time to do this project with our busy summer work schedule (we run a lawn care company, in addition to the full time job Brad works, and all that I have going and summers are crazy) but I pushed my husband to start this project and we have fit in work time on it as the schedule allows.  

This project/fort/practically an addition to our home, has been all my son can think about some days.  And it has truly been a pleasure listening to him and dad work out the building details.  As I sit watching them work today I am reminded of this song I used to sing with my dad.  (I make no apologies that this post contains a reference to another song!) He would play guitar and we would sing this beautiful song together, 

IF YOU ARE A FATHER, YOU ARE A BUILDER 
AND YOUR CHILDREN WILL BECOME WHAT YOU'VE MADE 
PLEASE DO YOUR BEST AND PLEASE DON'T FORGET 
GOD GAVE YOU THE TOOLS FOR THE TRADE (Steve and Annie Chapman)


As parents it is not only our job to see to the physical needs of our children but to also instill in them what it means to be a successful adult.  We live in a fast paced world where we can easily get caught up in the frenzy of just getting through the day.  Instead we should live life with the intention of using each moment we have with our kids to teach them what it means to be a respectful person, kind hearted, how to see the needs of others, what it means to truly follow your heart and your dreams, but mostly what it is to be accountable to our Heavenly Father.  

It is no secret that our children are watching our every move.  I want to believe that they don't see the times I mess up or react wrong but in reality they see these moments all to often.  instead of making excuses for my behavior I use it as a teaching moment and ask them to do better then my example in their lives.  And then I strive to live a life I want them to emulate. I ask God to give me the right words to speak and actions to take.  I know He has given me the tools I need to raise successful adults I just need to use them. I am learning to trust Him more and more in this thing called parenting.  

Brad and I have this arrangement where only one of us can feel overwhelmed or dejected at a time.  There have been times when we've actually fought over which one it gets to be and one of us has to put our issue on the back burner to support the other in that time of need.  I say this because teamwork is at the very core of successful parenting.  If we are not strong together, even it that means one of us is holding up the other, then we are weak. Brad often jokes that with seven kids, if they see even the slightest bit of division between us, they can overtake us in seconds.  It's funny to think about but there is great truth to the picture he paints.  We must remain resolved and committed to work as a team in this HUGE job we've been given.  

Leading by example is key.  While building today my son was talking about my dad and asked, " how is that that Pop can do anything, who taught him?"  I said "he just learned." As the day went on we hit a bump in the building and my son was sure he couldn't do what needed to be done.  Let me say one thing here, Brad is not a fan of heights, he tries, but just can't do it.  All the roof work has been done by my son.  So as he sat perched on the rooftop edge, circular saw in hand, ready to trim off excess plywood, he had a moment of doubt.  He claims that sawdust was in his eyes, but this mom saw the tears of self-doubt and frustration with himself and the job ahead.  Brad and I stood below him as he fought to compose himself.  And with our encouraging words and guidance from our vantage point he made the first cut and with that cut returned all the confidence he needed to finish the job at hand.

If Brad or I had be able to or willing to rush to his aid and do the job for him, what would he have learned?  Instead we spoke words of encouragement to him, telling him our eyes would guide him as he made the cut.  

I told my son there was more to my answer as to how Pop knows how to do everything. Pop listens and learns from those around him.  He knows that when he hits a wall to find another door, to seek advice from those who've already done it.  He knows that it takes a fresh pair of eyes to get the job finished.  But mostly he sticks with it until it's done and he can do just about anything.  

I am grateful for my dad and all that he has taught me.  I am grateful he took Brad under his wing and taught him.  He instilled in both of us that there is not any project we can not take on. And we've tackled quite a few together. His example is still being seen by my kids who thinks he is the coolest!

Mostly though dad taught me that even when I don't see clearly, there is a God who sees it ALL and I can trust him to guide me.  Dad doesn't always speak this in words but he lives it in life.  This is what I mostly want my kids to understand.  And in the meantime I will continue to do my best remembering that, God gave me the tools for the trade.

Follow Your Heart, Find Your Dream, Step Out In Faith

All my life I longed to be a hero
My sword raised high, running to the battle
I was gonna take giants down
Be a man you would write about
Deep in my chest is the heart of a warrior

So why am I still standing here?
Why am I still holding back from You?
I hear You call me out into deeper waters
But I settle on the shallow end
So why am I still standing here?

So afraid what it might cost to follow You
I'd walk by faith if I could get these feet to move
But I don't want to live that way
I don't want to look back someday
On a life that never stepped across the line

So why am I still standing here?
Why am I still holding back from You?
You've given me a faith that can move a mountain
But I'm still playing in the sand
Building little kingdoms that'll never stand
I hear You call me out into deeper waters
But I settle on the shallow end

I'm so tired of standing here
What if I gave everything to You?

What if I gave everything?
What if I stopped holding back from You?
Starting now, I'm stepping out onto deeper waters
What if I gave everything?
What if I stopped holding back from You?
Starting now, I'm stepping out onto deeper waters
I want to see some mountains move

Ready to give everything
Say goodbye to standing here

(Casting Crowns)

Music speaks to me so it came as no surprise that I was challenged by this song.  My life has gone through many changes as of late, some good, some ugly, some surprising that I just need to accept.  I have always walked by faith and it is that faith that has held me through this turbulent life.  I love God fiercely and I am unashamed of that passion.  But when I heard the words 

So why am I still standing here?
Why am I still holding back from You?
I hear You call me out into deeper waters
But I settle on the shallow end
So why am I still standing here?

I knew right then that if I truly wanted everything God had to offer me I had to move.  I have dreams, and they are BIG dreams.  So big that I find myself burying them rather than cultivating them.  I often ask myself why I am so afraid to step out in faith and trust God with  my dreams.   Isn't He the very one who gave me the ability to dream?  When I talk to Him about the things I desire to do I am encouraged, strengthened, and excited to step out.....yet there is a fear that holds me back.
But, 

What if I gave everything?
What if I stopped holding back from You?
Starting now, I'm stepping out onto deeper waters
What if I gave everything?
What if I stopped holding back from You?
Starting now, I'm stepping out onto deeper waters
I want to see some mountains move.

YES! I want to see mountains move.  I want to see God glorified with the fulfillment of my deepest dreams and desires.  He is the one who called me to be His. He is the one who made  me who I am.  He is the giver of all things and I trust Him with the deepest desires of my heart.  I will no longer fear what others think of  me,  I am His.  I will no longer be content to play in the sand

Building little kingdoms that'll never stand

Today I step out in faith

Ready to give everything
Say goodbye to standing here.

The purging project

Today I posted a list of 14 items on my personal Facebook page and asked my friends to choose just three. I laughed at the comments throughout the day.  I said in my post that the decision was hard for me. I chose coffee, jeans, and lipstick. Tonight I’m thinking about how insignificant the things we think are important really are in the bigger picture of life.
    Today I took a truckload of stuff to our local goodwill store.  I’ve been seriously purging lately and it felt good to get this load out of the house. I very much like my stuff, it comforts me.  I like the coziness of throw pillows, a soft blanket, flowers, sweet smelling candles, stacks of books; but these things can easily overwhelm if I don’t take the time to purge every once in a while.
    And so I have ben working hard in these last weeks before our busy schedule begins again to reduce the amount of clutter, to make my home a place of comfort and clarity. I am currently reading The Nesting Place ( it doesn’t have to be perfect to be beautiful) by Myquillyn Smith. I will do a review when I am finished.  What I hope to glean is a better knowledge of how to make my home a place where everyone is comfortable yet not distracted by stuff.
    I would like my children to know they can be content with a more simplistic life. I desire to build a home that brings peace and tranquility in the midst of chaos. A place of calm in the storms of life.  I am excited to tackle the next organization  project ... and I am learning that perfection is overrated!

you made me a mom

My Baby

    I blinked and 18 years passed.  It's silly to call you a baby because the face I looked at today as you left for work,  was that of a beautiful young woman.  18 years..... but let's start at the beginning.  All I ever wanted was to be a mom.  And the day you were born that is who you made me.  Labor and delivery were some of the hardest days I'd known up to that point of my life.  But when they put you in my arms no words can adequately describe the emotions I felt.  Your firstborn child should come with a warning.  They should tell you how incredibly painful it will be to have your heart so full of love.  I remember rocking you near the window of the hospital room, thinking that this tiny person is counting on me for her every need.  
    In the years that followed, I watched you grow into a sweet little girl, and then a big sister (many times over).  But you were the one who helped me learn how to be a mom.  With you I experienced my firsts; fever, steps, choking, little baby laugher, bath, sleepless nights, and so many more. As you grew older, I saw quite the personality in you.  Oh how independent you were (and still are).  When I close my eyes I can see the piggy tails and knee socks (even in summertime), I can hear your sweet little voice singing You Shine from your carseat in the back of Dad's truck, and lets not forget the backpack!  that bag was always packed with everything you'd need for any occasion and it came with us everywhere.....you were never without a bathing suit, just in case we ended up at Grandma and Pop's Condo (your second home).  I will never forget those sweet little hands that folded in prayer to ask Jesus to be your Savior, and how overwhelming it was was to know that in that moment You had a Heavenly Father who loved you 100 Billion times more than I ever could.  
    Because you were the first, there are some things that I didn't always do or handle correctly and for that I'm sorry.  That's just the way the way the cookie crumbles.  But even my mistakes couldn't keep you from growing into the beautiful young woman you are today.  You are beautiful inside and out.  As your mom I can also say that you are strong minded, independent, confident, a little bit messy at times, cranky when you're tired (or hungry), the messiest cook, my friend, an incredible big sister, stubborn at times, but the one I can count on for anything.  
    God gave me 18 years to instill in you what it means to be His and live your life for Him.  Today I don't stop being your mom,  I just turn you over to Him.  He is the one you are now fully accountable to,  His is the voice you will listen for to guide your ever step, He will be the one you cry out to and seek to know more deeply.  I will alway be your greatest cheerleader in life and just a whisper away.  Thank you for making my dream come true, thanks for making me a mom.  Your mom.