About a year ago I was restless. I felt a need stirring within me that was undefinable, but yet very disturbing. As I sat each morning in prayer and contemplation asking God why I felt so unsettled, it seemed the more I searched the more unsettled I felt. I wast lost, alone, and tired, so very tired. All around me things were happening, things I was excited about, things that made me fell anxious, things that frustrated me. Through all of this I wore I smile and prayed God would show me the reason for my restlessness. Boy did I pray, just when I would feel a breakthrough coming, a trial would hit and I would fall right back on my face pleading with God to help it all make sense. On a few occasions I chose to be brave and share with some people in my life I’m closest to. The reactions were not always what I was looking for, and at times caused me great pain and distress. I began to feel very alone. This feeling caused me to pull my family in very tightly, I wanted to feel the safety of their closeness and the comfort of our community.
About this same time I stumbled upon a book titled Bread and Wine by Shauna Linquest. Immediately the words on the pages spoke to my passion for family, food, gathering, and community. As I read these stories, my restlessness was giving way to desire and the desire was for community. Deep, meaningful time with people that desire to seek God first and see people through HIs eyes as we journey through life. I was beginning to feel sparks of fire ignite inside of me and although the restlessness was still there, I was feeling hopeful for what might come. I shared my newfound joy with a dear friend and she asked if I had heard of the book The Turquoise Table. I had not and quickly found this sweet gem of a book to also speak to my heart….how could it not when the very premise is “A simple way to connect your neighborhood, engage your community, and build friendships.” I was beginning to see a trend, and that's when the realization and stupidity set in big time. I was desperately wanting community!!!, duh, of course I was, wasn’t that why I was a member of my church’s Gather Team, the Chairperson for my HOA’s Social Events Committee, the one who throws amazing parties for any and all occasions (if I do say so myself), and is the first to agree to any and all events where there are guaranteed to be crowds???? But if I was already doing all these things, then why the restlessness, why the disturbing feeling of loneliness and why oh why did I feel as as though something was missing?
In the fall I joined a group of women in a fast to seek God and pray as we read through the soon to be released book The 40 Day Sugar Fast by Wendy Speake. As Wendy led us through this fast and book it became very clear to me in the early days that God was calling me to fast from more than food. In this environment of daily accountability and encouragement I was beginning to see more clearly what needed to be set aside, what it was I was desiring and that it had so much to do with seeing more deeply, seeking God more intentionally, and doing it together with a community of individuals who desire to walk together in this journey of life.
As the crazy fall and winter gave way to spring, God had worked me over bit, to the point of a hospital stay, depending on others for basic needs, causing me to step away or delegate responsibilities and as I watched helplessly as some close friends and family stepped in, I was beginning to see that I might not be as alone as I felt in my desire for something more. But where to go from here? Who would my community be and what would our commitment to each other look like? As I contemplated these questions, while at the same time still feeling the frustration of the stagnate way we were doing life, I began to dream. I prayed even harder for a least one or two to come alongside and adventure with me into a deeper sense of friendship, accountability, and community. I poured over the scriptures of how and when Jesus gathered with people, I read book after book on community, life groups, and gathering. I was hungry to know all I could and the dreams kept getting bigger.
Then COVID-19 hit. At first it was fine. After all I was still so tired. Not only had my physical situation not changed very much, but the spiritual journey I was on was very draining as I searched for answers on how God wanted to use me. The first weeks of social distancing where like a breathe of fresh air and I enjoyed the quiet slow pace of life. I continued my journey. As the weeks of quarantine passed I started to sense the frustration of isolation. We were designed for relationship and this extended isolation was not healthy. During these weeks I felt a bit guilty because although I was missing people, this sudden break was allowing me time I had not had before. In this time I noticed a feeling deep inside of me that I could not identify, but in the deepest parts of me I felt an overwhelming dread of sorts. I realized that when the world came to a standstill it was as if a gift had been given, and that when we moved forward again we could do so in a brand new way. The dread I felt was that if we went back to what was we would miss the opportunity for change. I was at a loss as to what I could do. I kept pleading with God that we couldn’t go back to the way it was. I was scared to death to share my feelings because I doubted in the midst of pandemic, fear, uncertainty, and isolation that anyone else was feeling that this was a time to bury what was and embrace what could be for us in community with others. I kept quiet, so quiet that I wasn’t writing, or talking, and although I was praying and seeking, I was consumed by the idea that I was alone. One day I decided to share my thoughts with my sister. Her response was a balm to my soul, and although she did not feel exactly the same she encouraged me and I knew prayed for me. I decided some weeks later to share with another sister and got a completely different response. I was heartbroken and mad. But instead of letting it consume me (for longer than a few days, that is!) I gave it to God and prayed for those who would come along with me. You know what? When you ask God and continue asking God, and actively seek His answer, He really comes through. I ran into an acquaintance who shared a desire similar to where I had started almost a year ago. And then the next week a friend texted me the most beautiful words about how she felt we needed true community and groups that pray for our needs and meet in homes again. I was overjoyed! It was happening. God was showing me. But God? I asked. We are in the middle of a pandemic and people are afraid to even look at each other, so what’s next?
That was the question I had these last few days as we approached a brand new month. What I would love and what is possible right now may be very different, but I am going to step out on faith here. I believe with all my heart God has been preparing me this past year for what I am about to type and I am not afraid. The time to come together is now, we as believers in Jesus Christ and those of you who know in your heart there is something more you are longing for, but you have questions about how to know the Savior, NOW IS THE TIME! So starting Tuesday July 7th at 6:30 am you will find me in my front yard ready to pray. I am taking a cue from Kristen Schell and her turquoise table, I invite you to come and join me. Whether that is in person or virtually right now, if you have sensed or desired for community I ask you to step up and step out and come pray and learn, cry, rejoice, and grow with me. What this is not, a place to gossip, a time to be negative, this is not about what church we attend or denomination we subscribe to, it is not a place where politics and prejudice divides, a place to be a casual observer, or a place to fear. Instead it is where I pray we find freedom in the work of the cross and boldly come together before our Maker to seek joy in the journey. I will not be offended or afraid if I am the only one who shows up, instead I will continue to ask God to rise up the exact ones He desires to walk along with me. If it's you, I’ll be waiting with open arms and a joyful heart.
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