Marriage 22 Years

 Brad and I were recently asked the secret to a long marriage. We just celebrated 22 years and by no means consider ourselves experts, but we do have a few tips and I’m smiling now as I recall sharing them with this eager young man. 

This year’s anniversary found us in two different states so we postponed time away together until this weekend.  For as long as I can remember we used a portion of our anniversary weekend away to Christmas shop.  This year we planned to do the same.  I booked a two night hotel stay with plans to check off our Christmas List. A few days ago I asked if we could change plans, take the Miata instead of the Explorer and just spend the weekend driving and exploring Florida backroads.  At the hotel we could just Amazon  our Christmas list.  He was more than happy to oblige. 

Our time this weekend has been wonderful. Any time away from it all causes me to reflect on what we have. Marriage is a commitment. A happy, fulfilled marriage is a choice. Honestly we don’t always make the right choices where ours is concerned and find we have to clean up some pretty big messes. And that’s just what we do. Instead of throwing in the towel, which is happening far too often in the marriages of our friends,  when it gets tough we choose to roll up our sleeves and tackle the problem head on. 

Brad’s advice to that young man was something we both heard from our pastor before we even met each other.  To not go into marriage with the mindset of giving your 50 percent, but always striving to give 100 percent and at times more. 

We live by that.  Mine is always to be honest no matter what. And then the three s’s, support, silence, and sex.

To support each other in life is a gift. To know the hopes and dreams of your spouse and encourage them to press toward them is an honor. Brad is my greatest cheerleader. He encourages me to seek after my dreams. I do the same for him. 

Silence. This is hard for me at times, because I am a fixer and always want to talk things out.  But knowing when to stay silent is “golden.” I’m getting better at it, I think!  Sex, well  you’d think this was a no brainer, but far too often this essential area is where marriages fall apart. My mom used to say sex starts in the kitchen... I love that. Just the other night as Brad and I were passing each other quickly in the kitchen as I was rushing off to drop off and pick up kids, he grabbed my butt and smiled at me as he told me to not be gone too long.  After 22 years he still makes me feel like the most loved, most wanted woman anywhere. Meeting each other’s needs bring happiness and excitement. But it’s a choice. 

Being intentional in our relationship is essential to our marriage’s health.  Our lives are busy, some days crowded to overflowing, but neglecting one another is not an option. I’m “lucky” that when I forget my own advice, Brad is more than happy to remind me.

Taking time away, being together is one thing we have become very good at these last few years, as our older children have become capable of taking care of things at home. Although 2020 saw many closures and shut downs we found a way to get away alone for 3 weekends, a few day trips, and always a weekly lunch/dinner date. Not an easy thing when you work two jobs, run a business and have 7 kids. But we made a choice to keep our relationship strong. I always say getting away makes us better parents and that’s true.  But it strengthens our bond in a way that doesn’t happen when we are surrounded by daily life. 

I’m writing this as we walk a battlefield state park off some Florida backroad. The sun is just starting to burn off the late morning fog. It’s beautiful and quiet except for the birds which are singing quite loudly. The best part is strolling with the man beside me.  My rock. Right now all is right in our world, but I am not so naive as to think we won’t stumble upon hard times in the years ahead, but I rest in the knowledge we can face anything if we face it together. That’s the best part of marriage, sharing life, no matter what comes.  But deciding in advance to go through it together. Here's to another 22 years.