Will I ever learn????

 I was told today I have an obvious trigger. My sister meant well and I’m grateful (most of the time) for her honesty, but I really hate when I know I’m wrong and someone agrees with me. As I write this I can hear Taylor Swift in the dance room singing Shake it Off. How appropriate.  I’ve lived enough life to know what good behavior is and isn’t, but the other day I allowed my emotions and frustration and pain to drive  me to react the wrong way. I most definitely did not shake it off.  

It’s funny how God uses people and their  stories to work in our lives. Just the other day I was speaking with a friend who is struggling with her daughter’s behavior, a daughter old enough to know better, after listening a while, I gave some advice, yes, I said, her behavior is hurtful and hateful, but does it change your love for her? No of course not. Pretend she is a toddler, or a young teen, love her, but allow her this, don’t try to reason with her while she’s in this state of mind. She’s lashing out at you, I said, because she knows your love for her is deep. We often hurt the ones who love us the most. 

Then just a few days later I set out to prove I am a work in progress.  In the aftermath of my embarrassing outburst, with plenty of witnesses I might add, I cringed that I thought I could give relational advice to anyone, especially when I’ve got a few messed up relationships of my own right now. In thinking of my trigger, yes it’s there and yes it holds a lot of control over me. It’s one of those things that makes me feel condemned, not seen, not understood, and it’s worse when I react to the trigger. Then I deal with guilt, hurt, embarrassment and pain.

How can I be better? I’d be a very rich woman if I had the magic solution to not allowing things to get under our skin.  You can ask my family, I am not Taylor Swift’s biggest fan, but I do confess I need to shake it off. Will that make it go away? No. But neither does reacting the wrong way. I  can’t change other people so I have no control over whether or not someone continuously brings things up that are hurtful. All I can control is how I react. And I trust that God, my father, is there to help and guide me. 

Before our third son was even a year old we saw he had a temper. He was a sweet, beautiful boy, until he became frustrated or upset (usually with his toys, rarely with people). I would watch him play and if a toy did not work the way he wanted or fit together the right way, he would start to cry and throw himself headfirst onto the tile floor. This only happened a couple of times before I was always sitting with him as he played. When he became frustrated I would catch his head before it hit the tile and tell him it was ok, we could make the toy work the right way if we tried again together. 

That’s what God wants to do for us. That’s what he tries to do for me. I’m human and I mess us and react wrong but he’s there to help calm me down so I can make better choices. 

Heavenly Father,

Thanks for all the times you’ve kept my head from hitting the tile. Help me to slow my reaction time. Let my actions be glorifying to you rather than embarrassing and damaging to my testimony. How I long to be rid of my flesh and triggers. I’m sorry that I allow them to control me. Remind me each hour that I am to be a beacon of your light not a stumbling block. Help me to shake off the hurt and see messy relationships as an opportunity to let you work. Thanks for loving this mess. Amen

The Test(s)

These past months have been difficult. The next hard thing kept slamming up against the last hard thing until I felt crushed by the weight of the  pain, frustration,  concern,  and heartache becoming all too familiar in this broken world.  The tears flowed and my head ached from bouts of sobbing and lack of sleep. I was beginning to lose track of the days as my heart was struggling to understand the sheer depth of grief assailing our family.  I was torn between two family situations, each unique but both evoking emotion. One extreme frustration and concern with a total lack of kindness or consideration  and the other loss and heartache where trusting in God’s goodness is the only response. 

On top of that Brad and our oldest we were dealing with health concerns. Where our daughter was concerned, I was overwhelmed and completely aware that there was nothing I could do to help her but pray. We needed answers and we needed them fast. But we needed the right answers. We needed God to lead us to the right place, the right doctors, and I felt completely overwhelmed and exhausted with everything else that was going on, that I was beginning to think I was of no use to anyone.

I was running on empty, knowing I needed rest but still pushing on, trying to be strong for the ones around me who depend on my strength. I was in the car worshiping trying not to think about life at that moment.  Just desiring to draw closer to God. I was on my way to a follow up mammogram appointment, a couple of weeks earlier they 

saw something they didn’t like and I was to repeat all the testing. Driving there I was trying not to think about test results or anything else for that matter.  I started to ask God if we could make a deal.  I needed to be ok. My family and friends need me to be ok. I told him I thought I had been through enough last year that these tests results needed to be clear. Four hours later I was on the phone with  Brad telling him that the results we not good and I was being scheduled for a biopsy. 

I drove home completely stunned.  This can’t be happening I thought. When I left the office I was calm as I said to the doctor, “no use worrying about what we don’t know for sure.” Even Brad agreed we didn’t need to borrow trouble and said we’d wait for the biopsy results before we started worrying. But the truth was pressing in on me. I laughed at the thought I could bargain with God. Can’t blame me for trying, the truth is I should just trust him. We’ve come through a lot together and each time he reveals another piece  of himself. He is the God who knows. 

The biopsy was scheduled for when we returned from our family vacation. It meant a waiting period where we still decided to share with a very small group of people, asking for prayer, but not giving specifics. I would need two days to recover, and hopefully we would have results within five days. 

As I entered the office on the day of the biopsy I was calm. I had worshipped all the way to my appointment and the Lord had given me peace. I was called back and presented with the awkward pink top with ties that don’t really make any sense when attempting to keep the “girls” covered while waiting in yet another waiting room with more women wearing the pink top.

On this occasion I was able to bypass the second wait and I was escorted into the procedure room by a sweet nurse with kind eyes. The procedure was explained once more, more forms were signed and then I found myself laying on the table with an image of my breast on the screen in front on me. And plain as day, I could again see that area that was causing so much disturbance and concern in my life. 

The doctor joined us and things moved quickly.  I was numbed, they extracted the sample, the kind nurse held my hand of the arm resting over my head. I will never forget the noise of the machine. The noisy equipment taking a piece of my body. Yet, still I remained calm. 

After the biopsy was complete I was shown to another room to have new pictures taken of the titanium marker they had inserted to mark the biopsy area. I laughed when I was asked by the technician if I wanted to see the bling. Then I dressed and with ice pack and instructions to rest I headed home. 

Passing Trader Joe’s on the way home, I ran in to quickly buy up every variety of flower to lighten things around the house.  And then home and to bed. 

That week seemed to take forever and I was so disappointed when Friday arrived and I was told results wouldn’t be available until Monday. As a distraction I worked with Brad all weekend to pressure wash everything at the house. It helped to pass the time.  

On Monday I made the call, I had seen that results were in but that they were not scheduled to post on the portal. After a short wait the doctor came on the phone. Brad held my hand so tightly as I listened to her explain that although the results came back benign she did not agree. She gave me all the technical info ending with, “based on what I’m seeing this result is concerning, I was not expecting it to come back benign and I’m not comfortable letting you walk away without further testing.”

I had a mix of emotions. Really we still knew nothing. And I was scheduled for a second biopsy. 

When I arrived for the appointment, I was greeted by a new team and taken back to a room with different equipment. They do their best to keep things lighthearted, and I was appreciative. I wasn’t nervous per se, just ready to have this whole thing over with. I wanted that final answer that one that said this is what it is or it isn’t. Images were needed before the procedure could begin, and of course, apologies were made by how much it was going to hurt. I looked at the woman who was adjusting me trying to get my body perfectly spread out for the best pictures and said to her “you do whatever it takes, no matter how much it’s going to hurt, to get what you need, so this can all be over with.” She deemed me her favorite patient and proceeded to crush me in the mammogram machine. After a while, she declared we were done, and I took my seat while they went to show the images to the radiologist before she came in to do the biopsy.  As I sat in the room alone, I was prepared for whatever it was. I cannot tell you how relieved I was to have them come back in a room and to say “we’ve decided not to perform the biopsy.”  I had two radiologist looking over the scans, and they had decided that these last images had adequately spread out the tissue so that everyone was now in agreement, yes there’s something we must be keeping an eye on, but right now it is not cancer.

I was so relieved and so grateful. I had known in my heart the entire time that whatever it was, God would hold me through it. But to hear these words were a complete blessing.

I’ve learned a lot about trust over these last years, and God really put that trust to the test over the last weeks. I’m so grateful for the calm that he allows me to feel in the midst of chaos. I’m so grateful that all these little challenges help me to draw near to him and recognize the beauty and joy of knowing him in this broken world.

I drove home that day with a grateful heart (and more flowers) trusting Him is the only thing I know to do and therefore it will be what I continue to do day after day no matter what. 

Cultivate the Space

 I was driving home last night thinking how beautiful the sky was and relishing this time of year. When I turned the corner onto my street, I was met with a full on kickball game in my front yard. Wow, what a sight, one of my favorite sights actually. It’s been a while since any games have taken place in the front yard and I was glad to see big brother and wife had arrived and coordinated this impromptu, mid week game. I smiled as I got out of the car and was thanked for planting that third oak tree  years ago, it’s finally strong enough to act as first base.

I laughed at their silly antics then  looked over to the other side of the yard where another son and hubby were working on the suburban . I had been out with friends and had driven home with one so after hugs on the driveway before she left, I walked over to check on how they were doing and give hugs to my grease monkeys.

As I walked back toward the house, I hollered over my shoulder that my car was out of gas, to which I received the reply “I’ll run out and get you some”… I jokingly say, I don’t pump gas, not that I don’t know how, it’s just that he takes that good of care of me. All I have to do is park my vehicle with an empty tank behind one of his vehicles and like a miracle my tank always ends up full. I smiled at him, and made my way into the house where I was sure I would find dinner dishes that needed to be cleaned up. 

I had just returned from a girls night out dinner. The kids had finished preparing their dinner on their own, and I never expected them to clean the kitchen before I had arrived back home. Especially with how beautiful the weather is these past few days; it’s just way too hard not to stay outside until the mosquitoes start to nibble. As I puttered it around the kitchen, throwing dirty dishes in the dishwasher and taking pots and pans to the sink, my daughter-in-law made her way into the kitchen. She said they couldn’t leave because my son had gone with his father to get gas. That’s a thing we do, if anyone needs to run an errand it’s a good time to talk and spend one on one time and so, often we take someone with us or hubby and I go together, like we had done earlier that morning top down in the Miata, driving to his two errands, just being together.

That’s a goal in this family. The being together stuff. Not the well planned,  beautifully executed, holiday festivities, but the times when we are just together doing life things.

I was in the middle of a somewhat serious, but candid conversation with my daughter-in-law in the kitchen when my son got back. He asked a couple of questions to make sure everything was OK because we were talking about something important, and we both smiled and said “yeah, we’re fine, just talking.”  He put his arms around her and said, “are you ready to go yet?” she replied, “your mom is still talking to me,” then a moment later he was back with “hey we really need to go.”  I smiled, and sent them away with goodbyes, and I love yous for the night. When the door closed behind them,  I walked into the coffee room. I was in need of some quiet time. When I did I saw something my daughter-in-law had left. Earlier we had been discussing some health concerns, and I had recommended taking magnesium. I told her I would share some of a great one that we enjoyed, to see if she liked it. When I saw that she left the container I put it to the side of the counter to give to her at a later time, then I heard the back door open. There she was coming back and saying “I forgot the container” and I smiled and handed it to her. She was walking back out the door when I looked up and said “hey, if you ever get frustrated by my advice or counsel, you don’t need to tell Nate  ‘your mom is driving me crazy’ you could just tell me to back off,” and she replied “oh I definitely would, we’ve gotten way too close for me not to just tell you.” 

I returned to the coffee room and thought about our spaces, whether it’s my coffee room, conversation in the kitchen, a drive in the car, or a kickball game in the front yard. It doesn’t have to be fancy, or large. It just has to be. It has to exist, that place where those you love can come, where they know they are loved, excepted, heard, and seen. The place where they can be themselves with no explanation. I look back over the years to that time when God placed it on my heart to start creating a home, at safe place, more than just the place we live, the place we love. I’m grateful we cultivated the space and I’m grateful for the lives who inhabit it.

Are you cultivating safe places? Are you allowing for healthy conversations and reflections? Find ways this week to be more intentional about your time with family and friends. 

Matthew 18:20

John 15:12 – 15

Mark 3:31–35

Mark 2:15 – 17

Luke 7:36

John 21:15-17 

Heavenly Father,

I thank you for the many examples you’ve given us of what it means to be in relationship. I think you for family, such a special bond. I ask that you help me to be intentional when I am with those I love. I ask that you allow me to hear what they are really saying and in doing so show how very much I love them for who they are, each and every one,  individual, created by you, loved. I thank you, Lord, for time with friends. I thank you for friends who listen, friends who, pray with you, friends who uplift and hold you. I pray that, as my family grows, they are not just family to one another, but continue to be friends, who desire to do life together. amen 

New Year

 I said to Brad, the other day, “well, 2023 feels a lot like 2022!“

I was trying to deal with something I’ve been trying to deal with for a while and of course it followed me into the new year.I tend to forget the biggest equation in a New Year’s resolutions or a word for the year, is me. If I don’t change or acknowledge that I am the one causing my own self to fail and stumble, then no word or resolution will ever change me. Change starts from the inside out. There’s not some magical solution when January 1 hits that all of a sudden things are going to be different!

No, the reality is that things will be the exactly same unless I approach it in a different matter.

God is never changing, he is the same yesterday, today and forever and  I choose to find my solace in that sweet reminder. 

If January, and ultimately 2023 is to be any different than 2022 then it’s me who must learn to trust God more deeply, to understand the temporal value of accumulating possessions, to put people above busyness, to speak truthfully, to listen intently. 

First and foremost, I must listen to the God, who desires to lead me through all things.  he knows my heart, he sees the true me.

Just days before the new year I overheard the guys in my family talking about getting back to the gym. I laughed as they decided not to start back in January like everyone else would, that’s such a cliché, but instead, they would make their start date sometime in February! It struck me as funny because often I say it takes me a whole first week of the year to decide, what I want that year to look like and what part I’m determined to play in it.

One of the things I love about God is how well He knows me. He knows  that on day one it’s not going to go well, and on week two I’m probably going to want to give up, but three, four or five months into it when I’ve seen his faithfulness over and over and over again, and I have seen the strength He gives when I desire to do his will, that’s when he reveals the potential in me that I am often blinded to. 

I have absolutely no idea what this year will hold, but I stand firm in my faith that I know the God who holds it all. I’m asking him to show me the things that I’m holding onto that need to be released, I’m asking him to do the hard work in me, and I’m asking him to do it at any cost. He is a good good God. He holds this child close, he is Abba father.