Keep your mouth shut!

Today is day seventeen of a forty day fast.  I have joined with women from all walks of life to celebrate the new book by Wendy Speake.  Wendy has been leading a forty day sugar fast for 6 years.  Usually they are held in January, but this special fast is a pre launch of her book.  The premise is to fast from refined sugar for forty days while feasting on God’s Word. But something amazing happens for me in the beginning stages of this fasting journey.  The more I seek God in this time the more He asks me to set aside.  

A couple of weeks before the fast Wendy asked that we make a plan; decide what forms of sugar we would be cutting out.  For me I knew instantly that as much as I love sweets, chocolate, and anything resembling a pastry, it was gluten that was the enemy.  I knew the bread and pasta had to go.  And so I sat at my laptop and typed out my fasting plan.  I was very specific.  I was excited to get started and anticipated downloading my pre launch copy of the book.  And a huge part of me knew this was the perfect time to take these steps as I had decided to lose the weight I had gained and held on to these last couple of years, before my birthday in January.  

So as the fast began I was good to go, in the first three days I suffered the headache from no sugar, but that quickly passed and I was off to a great start.  I was loving the book and my reading in the Word of God with a renewed sense of desire to grow more deeply in love with my Savior. 

But then something happened.  I felt the Lord calling me to fast from a few things unrelated to food, but things that were keeping me from fully hearing from Him.  And so I committed to putting my phone down, staying away from conversation with negative people, and speaking more kindly to my children at night when I’m exhausted and there is so much still to do.   

It seemed like a  lot, but the more I feasted on His Word, the easier it became.  I was thinking more about my words and reactions.  I was more aware of the mindless scrolling, and walked away from my phone.  I purposefully kept myself away from people I knew would only have negative things to say.  I was feeling good.  I was feeling strong.  I was feeling filled.  And then two days ago, while I was in bed, before my alarm had gone off and I’d yet to even open my eyes, I heard God ask for my coffee.  “Just today” he whispered.  I was sure I’d heard wrong.  “God,” I asked (three times because I can be stubborn), “not my coffee, surely You don’t want that?” I felt in the very depths of my spirit that was exactly what He wanted.  “But God,” I pleaded, “ I’m not addicted to my coffee, sometime my best moments with you are with a cup of coffee. Why do you want that, coffee is just part of my routine, I don’t love it more than you. God, why my coffee?”  

“Because,” he whispered “I want you to talk to me, seek me, hear me each time you desire coffee today.” 

“OK” I said. “I will.”

That was a good day.  I realized the sweetness of reaching to Him to fill me and speak to me, when I would normally sip my coffee.  He opened my eyes that day to a fullness of knowing Him in a deeper way.  I am so aware of how much I don’t know about Him.  

Today in our reading, Wendy wrote of how we need to stop speaking and listen.  Yes, I do! 

Wendy writes, “As you fast, let me encourage you to stop talking and start listening. Stop running your mouth and start running to Him with ears to hear. Author Bob Sorge wrote these challenging words in his book The Secrets of the Secret Place, “Hearing God’s voice has become the singular quest of my heart, the sole pursuit that alone satisfies the great longings of my heart.”1 You have committed to intentionally lay down for forty days that which cannot satisfy in order to experience the only One who can. His voice satisfies. Hearing Him and doing what He says is the secret that can be found only in the quiet of a listening heart.”(The 40-Day Sugar Fast: Where Physical Detox Meets Spiritual Transformation)

I love when God speaks, but today I am reminded that often I’m too busy to listen.  I talk to Him, but don’t always allow Him the time to talk back to me.  As I continue to feast on His Word these next twenty-two days, I will dwell on our scripture today.

“Don’t shoot off your mouth or speak before you think. Don’t be too quick to tell God what you think he wants to hear. God’s in charge, not you—the less you speak, the better.” Ecclesiastes 5:2 MSG

Thank you Lord for your patience with this child. Hep me to quiet my mouth so that I can hear more of you!

Heartbreak of broken marriages.

I’m angry about today’s topic.  I probably should not write what I’m about to write, but I’m angry, and sickened, heartbroken and sad all at the same time.  And the only thing I can think to do is write to vent.  So please bear with me.  If you think I’ve gone completely nuts don’t hate me, just realize that today I’ve had enough.

Divorce for me is a 4 letter word.  I entered into marriage with a man from a broken family and he swore to me divorce was not an option.  I wholeheartedly agreed and I was relieved to know we were on the same page.  I had come from the complete opposite.  My parents have the kind of loving relationship where it’s almost too good to be true, where the two become one, while at the same time they can drive each other crazy nuts and then moments later be kissing in the kitchen.  Theirs was the stuff good marriages are made of and what I so desperately wanted for my marriage.  My parents let us see them fight and make up, they laughed together, pushed each other’s buttons and raised us to know that divorce wasn’t even on the radar.  

At the beginning of my marriage, my mom would say, “the first ten years are the hardest.”  It takes work to make it ten years.   In those years for us......We bought and renovated a house, had 4 kiddos and one on the way, sold our home and bought another to renovate, we were homeschooling, Brad worked from home, I was such a busy mom, leading worship in our church, he was struggling with his faith, I was desperately trying to hold our family together,  we were full speed ahead and all I could think was “just make it to 10 years.”  Our tenth anniversary was spent with a canceled dream trip to Italy and me on bed rest with pregnancy complications.  We made it through and welcomed a baby boy into the family that summer. And then we were off again, life at full speed, smiles in place, but at the same time acutely aware we were falling apart.  I often wondered what had happened to the magic of making it to ten years.  All around us our friends’ and acquaintances’ marriages were ending.  And although for us divorce was still not an option neither was living this miserable existence.  There were things we were both at fault for, things we had done or not done to contribute to the state we found our marriage to be.  

I remember the day I said the “d” word out loud.  I had hit rock bottom.  I was exhausted from walking on eggshells, never knowing what might upset the picture of perfect I worked so hard to portray.  I knew things had to change.  I sought counseling alone because, coming from a broken home where counseling was used in a manipulative way, and therefore didn’t work, he was not open to going.  Neither one of us really knew what the problems were, we just knew they were there.  

On one particular afternoon I remember begging with Brad to talk to someone with me and figure this all out.  To my surprise he suggested something so off the wall, even to this day I can’t wrap my head around it.  We were each to invite friends (whomever we chose) over to the house for a time of revelation.  We were going to sit in our living room and air our dirty laundry to the very people we had so desperately tried to dupe for over ten years of marriage.  (Please note here, we had more happy memories and good times in our marriage up to this point than bad, there wasn’t infidelity, or lies, no double lives were being lived, we were 24/7 in each other’s business, and for the most part we were happy.  But there was a worm slowly eating away at that happiness and he didn’t have a name.) I do not want in anyway to overlook the fact that some marriages go through real problems, with real names, and blame that is easy to identify.  But this was not true for us.  Marriage.com states: While no two marriages are the same, research shows that all happy, long-lasting marriages share the same five basic traits: communication, commitment, kindness, acceptance, and love.  The night our friends, quite the eclectic bunch, with some married for 40 and 50 years, some divorced, some at the same stage as us, some who had seen great trial and heartache, sat stone silent as we shared our truth.  Even now as I type these words my eyes are filled with tears and I’m overwhelmed with emotion to think back on that night. It was such a bizarre way to handle our marriage troubles.  (I’m so aware of all the detail I’m leaving out, but the full story is for another time.)  But that night something remarkable happened and not just in our relationship but in the lives of the faces staring back us.  A few friends chose to speak and I remember feeling so grateful for the love and support they showed.  It was the most freeing thing to lay it all out there in front of those who knew us best.  Some were shocked, many left and later told us, that night sparked a desire to speak more openly with their spouse.  Some admired our guts to be so open in the midst of a changing world that was demanding perfection on all levels of life.  But for me it was the freedom to not be perfect.  the realization that what we had was worth fighting for at all cost. 
We recorded our portion of the night and when we went to bed that night we didn’t really speak about what had unfolded.  Still to this day 21 years of marriage later, we have not watched the tape, for many reasons.  

The events that followed that night forever changed us as a married couple.  We watched two sets of friends lose young children in tragic deaths, then Brad’s dad died, after a private battle with cancer at a time he and Brad were just getting to know each other.  I never really thought about the fact that we didn’t do much to fix our trouble, we just renewed our commitment,  to always be honest, open, fight fairly and love fiercely.  We committed to always walking side by side through this minefield of marriage.  Funny thing is our circumstances didn’t change much.  But in light of the tragic and sadness we saw around us, we found ways to hold each other up and walk through each new day.  It’s here where I adopted the mantra, each day is a brand new start.  

Why say all this today?  I guess because marriage is the hardest thing you’ll ever do.  Trust me, I’m raising seven kids, they are a part of me and I am naturally compelled to love them, each day I am faced with things I need to deal with, and I do it because my DNA flows through them and I am responsible for them, but nothing compares to this marriage relationship of CHOICE.  The one you are married to deserves all the fight you have, no matter what, but especially if kids are involved.  Be on guard for the things that will tear you apart, be ready to fight for the integrity of marriage.  Marriage is a two way street with both parties doing their part.  Our pastor in the church we were married in used to say, “marriage isn’t 50/50, it’s 100/100 and sometimes it’s 50/150 because there are times you pick up the slack for your partner.”  "Partner", I love that.  That’s what we are partners, with all the benefits built in.  Best friends, great lovers, best secret keepers, someone to be silly with, someone to vent to.  These are things worth fighting for.  

I am heart broken these days for the broken marriages around me.  I'm angry at the ones seeking council and are being told by “well meaning” people to give up.  I’m angry selfish couples are destroying young children’s lives.  I want to scream sometimes when I hear “it shouldn’t be this hard and I’m giving up.” “It’s not my fault” or “I’ve put up with this long enough.”  I’m not an expert by any means, but I do believe most issues start small and if left unattended grow into monsters that are destroying marriages.  I believe that all marriages can be saved.  In the case of infidelity or physical /mental abuse I think we must allow exceptions if there are no options.  But in these cases as well I have witnessed a forgiveness that I can not comprehend, and seen marriages restored.  Mostly I believe that the strongest of marriages combat the issues before they get out of hand.  If communication breaks down, find ways to talk to each other.  If the romance has faded and sex is non-existent make time to find that spark again.  Fight for each other.  There is no magic year you get to where it’s beauty and bliss.  Each day requires work, maybe not hard work but work nonetheless.  And when you choose to put in the work you reap the benefits a marriage well lived. 

Hide and Seek

 I was upstairs this afternoon, painting the kids bedroom doors, when a game of hide and seek broke out between Nathan 17, Benjamin 14, and the two littlest girls, 6 and 1.   Amelia quickly ran to hide in her room as Nathan started to count. They took turns being it, even Amelia had a turn and quickly counted to seven, before setting off to find her brothers. After a few fun games it was again Amelia’s turn to count. This time as I was painting the bathroom door I counted loudly with her all the way to 15.  Then off she ran to find her brothers again. She was in and out of the upstairs bedrooms, and could absolutely not find Nathan.  Finally Benjamin, who had been found  decided to help her.  Soon I heard a lot of laughter coming from Nathan’s bedroom.  And then much to my delight these words. “Ben, remember that time when Emily, you and I were really little, and mom hid in this closet for almost an hour and we couldn’t find her anywhere?” “it was awesome!”  They soon came into the bathroom to make sure that I too remembered that awesome game of hide and seek many years ago.  I did remember, and the memory made me smile.  It’s the little things in life that sometimes have the greatest impact.  And the fact the my 17 year old not only remembered the long ago game of hide and seek, but thought of it as an awesome time...(our games of indoor hide and seek were held almost nightly at one point and time and they were EPIC) and he and Ben chose to spend their afternoon playing with their sisters, that brings this momma’s heart some sweet joy.💕

New Perspective

It’s only halfway over and it’s a day from hell.   It’s sad really because it started out so sweetly when I looked into the face of my baby and said “good morning” to which she replied “mommy get coffee?” She knows me well. One cup of coffee and a bunch of crap later, I was desperately in need of something to turn my day around.

  I went in search of the Cosmic brownies my 6 year old had asked for to pack in her camp lunches this week.  The box was empty which was a good thing because that would have messed up my progress in my heath and fitness goals.  I thought about retail therapy, but I can’t afford to shop for things I don’t need and I couldn’t think of anything I needed, not even from the grocery store. I definitely thought a drink would be nice, but coffee wasn’t strong enough and it was too early for something stronger, besides I have a rule about drinking on a bad day.   

So I was left with only one option, and that’s how I ended up sitting here with my toes soaking in bubbling, hot, aromatic water while a complete stranger gives me a foot and leg massage.  Being around people is the absolute last thing I want right now, which make the salon the perfect place to hide out until I get control of my attitude.  Here they speak a totally different language and are not bothered at all by the fact that my smile is on hiatus and I’m not speaking except to answer their basic questions as to what services I’d like. 

As I sit here I’m contemplating the times Jesus needed a break from the crowds, from the disciples, even from his own family.  I can see Him shaking His head as He went off alone to pray, knowing full well that a nice long talk with the Father would put things back into perspective for Him.  

That’s what I’m desperately in need of right now..... the Father’s perspective.  I’m quite aware that anger and emotion are fueling these thoughts  I have right now.  It will take a miracle to change this attitude.  

So as I sit and enjoy the foot massage I’m seeking His power to overcome in these moments.  My flesh wants to hold on to the anger but my spirit is pleading with me to just let it go and experience what only God can give in these moments.  Peace.  His peace, the kind that lasts, that lingers, that seeps down into the very deepest parts of your souls where the dark and ugliness like to hide out.  Pease, the kind that helps you to see His love for you, and it overwhelms you to the point that tears flow and then He whispers.... “I love those that hurt you, and anger you with the same love.”  

And that’s when I realize the perfect stranger in front of me must think I am a complete basket case with tears streaming down my face I am incapable of smiling as she paints my toes so perfectly. If only she knew it was the power of His love washing over me.  Washing away this bad day, reminding me once again that He’s all I need on any kind of day.  That He’s big enough and strong enough to handle my problems and I can cast my cares on Him.

Thank you Father for a new perspective. My circumstances did not change just how I’m looking at them.  Through your eyes and that’s good enough for the moment.

The Accident

It only took one word before I knew something bad had happened. "Mom I need you to come.., car accident..., airbag deployed...., please come Mom, hurry."
I listened to the broken sentences on my iwatch, I knew I needed to answer the call on my phone, but it wasn't near me, and my gut said not to ignore the call.  It was my baby (my almost 19 year old baby).  She was one car in a four car pile up and she was scared.  I raced to get my car keys and jumped in my car, she was 20 minutes away and she needed me.  In those first moments I felt all kinds of emotion.  I was grateful she was making the phone call, I wanted to be there faster, to see for myself she was really ok,  I could here her voice saying, mom can you please just come, please come. I dialed her back as soon as I was in the car.  She kept asking me to come fast before the police starting questing them....it was in that moment that I knew she needed to do this on her own.  Her voice broke as she said she couldn't.  I prayed a quick prayer, steadied my voice and told her she had to.  I told her to take a deep breath, pray right them that God calm her, give the facts as she remembered and nothing else.  I would be there soon.  She had me on the phone when the questioning started, and I was so glad to hear her answer the questions calmly and clearly.  We pulled up on the scene moments later and I rushed to her.  Not one for physical contact she let me hold on to her and hugged me back.  I could see for myself she was banged up but ok.

I learned something today, something I already knew, but I saw it in a different way.  This momma can't fix everything.  I can't keep the bad things from happening.  God's been working on my big time about this.  I'm having to see and know in ways that aren't fun, that He's in charge.  My head knows but  my heart is slow to follow its lead.  I want only good for them as any mom would.  I don't want the pains of this would to infiltrate their lives, but the truth is...we live in a fallen world. So lately my praery has been for my kids to know and depend on Him way more than they do me.

Yesterday the Pastor said in the sermon that all Satan has to do to win is distract us from the things of the Lord.....he said Satan doesn't get to rule us....Satan won't get MY kids!!!!!!  My greatest desire is to know that my children walk with the Lord.  To see that He is guiding their steps and making their paths.

 I am not so naive to think that today could have had a different outcome; every time my kids leave the house I pray it won't be the last time I see their face.  I am so thankful for the protection He places on them.  I am thankful for the steps they themselves take to be safe.  But bad things still happen and the true test comes when we are faced with the bad things.  So tonight I'm thankful for the outcome, but my prayer is no matter what He allows me to walk through is this journey as a Mom, I serve and praise Him first, in the joy and the pain!

Pay it forward......stand for kindness.....what it's all about.

I smiled at her silliness as I sat across from my sweet 12 year old, Olivia, as we discussed how we wanted to participate in Global Pay It Forward Day.  We knew for sure we wanted to do random acts of kindness all weekend in anticipation of Global Sunday. She smiled as the waitress set our desserts in front of us and I knew the waitress would be the first recipient of our kindness.  Ready to conquer the weekend we headed for home with a plan to bless as many people as we could and hope for a ripple effect.

I had the opportunity to meet Coach Dar at our O2 convention  in 2015 she is an amazing soul and an inspiration to all who know her.  She is a huge proponent of the Stand For Kindness, Pay It Forward movement.  We are always excited to participate, but this year was a little different.


As we prepared for church today, it was pretty normal for a Sunday morning except for the red heart on the palm of my hand.  I drew it on the drive to church,  already pretty excited with some of the goodness we had shared that weekend.  As we rehearsed the worship set, I had a feeling of gratefulness for how good God is and the reminders of that goodness I had seen even that morning.  As the service began, my heart was so full, and worship was exactly what I wanted to be doing.  As the music ended, I made my way to the balcony to join my family.  I sat down next to my sweet girl and we listened as Pastor began his message.  It wasn't long into the sermon, being salt and light, before Olivia whispered to me "this is the perfect scripture for pay it forward day."  I smiled and agreed.  It was soon time to sing the final song so I headed back downstairs.  I stood in the foyer while Pastor was finishing his message, when she walked in the front glass doors.  She comes every week.  She rarely comes into the sanctuary, she is usually dirty, she comes for the coffee, and a handout.  She is rarely kind, more often rude or crass.  She is not my favorite person and I have very little patience for her.  I saw her coming up the walk long before she got to the door.  She walked in singing a melody of some sort quite proud of the "trill" and greeted me as though I had been waiting for her to arrive.  She was dirtier than usual and smelled of urine so badly the smell filled the foyer.  As I stood there watching her settle her large bag of "stuff", she turned to me and I knew before she even spoke it would not be nice.  She looked at me from head to toe and then informed me I had holes in my jeans, "poor thing", she said as if someone else was in the room.  She sarcastically asked if I had gotten the holes from "praying too much", then remarked that I would have had to be in a very strange position to achieve the holes on my thighs.  My patience was thinning as her voice grew louder.  The smell was overwhelming and I wished she she would just leave.  It was at that moment that the red heart on my palm felt as if it were burning a hole in my hand.  God grabbed a hold of my heart in that moment and reminded me that He loved her......as much as He loved me.  That He died for her.  Humbled, I turned away from her and prayed God would give me a bit of patience. I don't know her story.  I don't know all of her circumstances.  I don't know all her need.  But I do know she needs Jesus.

As I headed back into the sanctuary for the final song, I saw she too was coming inside and finding a seat by one of our regular greeters.  As the music began and we sang the closing song, she did not stay and I watched her make her way outside and down the sidewalk.  Not much had changed for her, today the change was in me.  I know future dealings with her will not be easy, but I will try harder to help her in a way that will really help.  

Random acts of kindness are nice.  We feel good when we do kind things, but what we need to remember is that we are the salt and light in the world.  We are to shine and show His love in all we do.  So often we judge too quickly before thinking about what a persons circumstances are or what they are going through.  What we do and how we act makes a difference,  people are watching, my children are watching.   I want my children to love more and judge less. I want them to stand for what is right and good and kind.  I want them to be strong in their faith but not bullies about their beliefs.  I want them to make a real difference in this world.  And that all starts with me.  I'm the one they are watching, the one they are looking to to show them the way. Let's spread His light, not just on one day, but everyday.

Church

For as long as I can remember there is only one place I desire to be on a Sunday morning.  Many in my circle either no longer attend church or do “church” another way. For me I long throughout the week to praise and worship God alongside my church family.  I recently read this article and was reminded once again that it’s not something to check off a to-do list, but church is where God desires us to be, gathered together with other believers proclaiming His greatness, singing His praise, growing in His love.  If you don’t have a home church, I’ll share mine anytime.💗




https://radicallychristian.com/hebrews-1025-re-examined-dont-forsake-the-assembly

Crazy mom... apology is needed!

It’s only 3:30pm and I’m at my limit for this day.  I seriously just lost it with my husband and children. Although they did help contribute to my fast declining day, they did not deserve the onslaught of crazy mom they just received.  

I’ve started working out again and my days are starting earlier than I’m used to especially since my nights are still long.  I keep telling myself to head to bed earlier, but I so love the quiet of night I’ve found myself lingering in the stillness even though the extra sleep is what I really need. 

The early mornings are not a problem, (I hate working out but am committed to doing it) the real issue is that I’m up earlier to see and hear all the things that are going to contribute to a really bad day.  We run a business and employees are our biggest headache.  We’ve had some great ones, we have some good ones, and then there are the ones that seem to be set on crapping up your day. Everyday!

That happened today.  One good guy called out sick, one pain in the butt guy called out just to ruin our day. He no longer works for us as of this morning. Two guys that did come in are limited in what they can do, which meant I had to rearrange my day to accommodate them.  Still not a huge deal, happens all the time.

Mid morning I went over to Brad’s parents to check in on things and shampoo a chair for them.  I was ignored completely by one and I’m just shaking my head that a grown person would so blatantly treat another human being with such disdain. I left their house feeling completely used and aware of the time I lost.  

I’m sitting in the dance office contemplating my reaction. One of our dancers here was just crying because her mom didn’t put clothes in her bag to change into. I told her if she stopped crying I’d text her mom. Another grandma in the lobby said that tears are only appropriate when you’ve tried everything else. How true.

How often I react the wrong way because I’m overwhelmed with my situation.  I know the truth of God’s word, “I can do all things through Him who strengthens me”  but I tend to react before I remind 

I know I owe a few people an apology and that is not always fun.  This will also be used as a teaching moment so that we don’t end up here any time soon.  But mostly I am aware that I am in need of more quiet time with the Lord.  I am in a state of constant “go” that I am forgetting to call on the strength He  wants to provide. God needs to be first on my to-do list so that when life threatens to overwhelm me I can rely on Him.  I will trust Him for the answers when the tears threaten.  I will allow Him to help me hold myself in check when I want to lash out.  I will listen to His voice throughout the day knowing that when He leads me the outcome is more beautiful.

Lord, thank you for loving this overwhelmed mom.  Help me to rest in you and the knowledge that You will give me what I need in any situation to react more appropriately.  Help me to live your love out loud to my kids and let them see that even when I fail second chances are there. Amen